Fiera Fights Back

Sat.

Broken sleep night...which I finally understood when I remembered drinking coffee late in the afternoon to try to wake up a bit. Finally got up at 8, not as refreshed as I would like, but OK.

Got off on a bit of a wrong foot. Sat down with matcha. Flipped tv on and saw the end of something interesting on PBS (a legacy house clean out) but then got annoyed by the cultural programming which immediately followed. Nothing on, flipped it off. Then I scrolled social. I got annoyed by yet another travel post by my old high school trumpet buddy, from a "permayurt" with coffee pods (yuk) and microwave celebrating an anniversary with his new bf. I recoiled in annoyance and then felt my own shame. Shame about my negativity. Shame about not living my best life. Being reminded of the live I thought I would be living and all I can do it sit on the couch in sickness and fear and anxiety. It is a lot harder financially to do this on my own in some respects. But it also is easier financially than trying to take care of 2 people. If I don't get out and do the things I should be doing though what is the point? I have to take care of my health first and then better times will follow. Patience was never my strong suit. Not patience with myself nor patience with the Universe either.

Anyway, I am glad I came here to hit the reset button. I don't want to carry that negativity aroundwith me. I want to find that freedoms of spirit I had on Weds, as I was out and about with no particular place to be. 🙂

Two ball games today. The weather is sunny but still pretty cool. It will provide a soundtrack to whatever I decide to do today. Maybe a bit of cleanup work to get rid of the mildew smell out back.
 
Sat Afternoon

Cooked spinach, mushrooms. Dishes, Laundry (couch pillows blankets, folded previous stuff). Ran to bank. Ballgame on.

Balanced bank acct for March. Got financial software synced up again, hopefully fixed now. Decided it was time to take action and emailed old financial firm to set up time to chat.

Now trying to make sense of spending history and am not getting it. Anxiety ticked way up. How could I spend that much more in 2023, was I that clueless? I know that I was counting on deducting charitable and medical expenses and that did not happen. I can no longer afford to make unfunded expenses for all the food snacks medical supplies etc for the transports. There are so many transactions which just come thru on cc as "A" and then if I don't categorize them, which is a chore, then I don't have clear sight lines for budgeting.

I think my anxiety kicked in from thinking everything is Ok because I haven't been taking trips or buying clothes etc...then seeing in black and white that it's not. I have to retrench. Thousands are leaking through the cracks. Or - I *think* to myself that I am not taking trips but I really am, to see Dad, and I don't make him pay for the hotels and I don't get picky about who pays for the restaurants and groceries. I guess I really need to sit down and analyze - else it is garbage in, garbage out.

I usually park at the bank and go in to the lobby. It is more interpersonal and old school. Amusingly though today there were no open parking spots. I drove down the block and the the reason became clear. There was a huge line of people waiting to get in to the dispensary, 4 20 today. I ended up going thru the bank drive thru instead.

But this story reminded me of the tincture sitting here unused, and maybe I will see what that can do for my anxiety.

That and a good nights' sleep tonight!
 
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Sun

Slept a lot, passed out around 9 maybe. Woke up a bit after 6, ruminating on house (basement floor crack)/neighbor flooding.

Quick scan of social and two deaths announced. Robin B from college lost her only brother. Made me think of how it might feel to no longer have my brother. We don't talk often, but we do the word game daily and make other quips...shared recipe for example or a remark about basball. I should call him...but be careful not to update on dad until he asks, in spite of how much dad's medical doings impact me,

Was thinking about how tired I have been. 3 weeks since I first came down sick. Today the sun is out. I think I might try to get an early walk before the tired stick hits me.

So I want to talk to my brother and I want to take a walk in the sun! Sounds like my head is starting to come out of the ooze a bit. 🙂

I turned down a request for a 3-day foster in 2 weekends as I will be taking care of dad while Peaches is at another bowling tourney. Her doc said she likely had a tia and there are more tests lined up. Meantime she is bowling better, apparently she had forgotten that she has 5 steps in her approach.

I have not been talking on the phone much, not to my dad or to Proggy since I have been sick. Honestly, I just didn't have the energy and nobody seems to have colllapsed. So a learning there is maybe to just keep leaning into the gap until it becomes obvious I need to step it up. It's nice to feel like my time is my own again...even though I have been sick and unable to do much.

Sun is just streaming full on through the back window now. A things are so different without all my trees. No more dappled sunlight. No squirrels. Sometimes I have to close the curtains which I do selectively. The sun just now elevated above the top of the frame so I am getting beams and heat without being blinded, No doubt as the season progresses the morning pattern will evolve. After I get the back table power washed I can sit out there for a bit with my cuppa. Though I will miss Ndog, he was always good company for it.

Today"s joy list:
Walk sun!
Call brother!
Make a budget!
 
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Sun Eve

Was at lakefront by 9. Walked about 1.5 miles, sat on a bench for a while, and returned 1.5M to the car. No public bathrooms about and too many people, so while heading back home I started thinking of coffee or breakfast places. Then I saw some people dressed in baseball gear and a new idea took root. I ended up getting a cheap ticket, hanging out by the park, getting food and drink and catching part of the game. I left before I got too tired to walk back to the car. Walked closed to 5 miles altogether. Free parking, and I brought a water bottle. Still the food and drink I consumed were a gratuitous unplanned expense.

Got home around 4 and that's kind of the end of the day. I did text brother. Caddie tomorrow. Guess I will work on budget then.
 
Mon

Caddie Day. His Mom ran into bad traffic so I had time for shower/shampoo before they arrived at 9. I planned to work on the budgeting but between an initial walk with Caddie, then taking him to the lakefront for a picnic lunch/walk AND meeting up after with Laurie M and her two pups (since she got back to me after we had left for the lake) it was a very nice, retired sort of day.

My Old financial planner got back to me and we have a call scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The guy he is bringing on the call is a 2023 graduate which does not make me feel great. But I will see how they decide to handle my situation. It is really the tax and cash flow piece I am focused on. For that, I do need to get my spending info cleared up.

Caddie is napping soundly. I too am relatively conked from out activities, About 2.5 miles technically casually walking, but there was also an hour plus of driving involved and the hangout at the lake. 4+ hours.

I can't open the rear windows because of that mildew smell which I think I have a handle on what is causing it. Unfortunately it is a manual labor project so waiting til I have good weather and good energy on a non-Caddie day. The financial stuff has to come first.

The roofer is continuing to not come. He was annoyed when I follow up with him Weds. Must be so nice to be in such high demand that you can treat customers like that. All the tradespeople are in such demand now, it is really something.

I would like to get unstuck regarding housing. It was really nice out by Laurie M today. It is a bit further out, but quiet, well maintained, and there are a pod of dog rescue people out there. There is a pod of dog rescue people by Pixy as well.

Oh, since I at like an A-hole yesterday so far all I have had today is an egg white wrap from Sbucks. Bloating is improving and muscles are loosening up. Probably having deli turkey for dinner before it goes bad. I appreciate it when I stay busy and spend less time and money on food!
 
The return of mild weather conditions, recovering energy, dog walks, getting out of the house, getting away from grazing in the kitchen, making better food choices etc etc all feels like an upswing. Having improved energy and clarity is really heart-lightening.

I categorized all my Azn purchases in 2024. Once I got a system going it went steadily along. I used the laptop to edit the entries in the financial software, and the tablet to look the transactions up on Azn. Unfortunately looking back on history it's not clear which ones previously were classified by me and which were auto populated so I have to revisit them all. From now on I flip the Payee to Azn Assigned and then I know for sure I have done it properly. Also. my brokerage did some kind of dividend reivestment on a private fund and didn't provide a category for that...I am tired now, so maybe it will come to me when I look at it tomorrow,

As with any uncluttering, whether it be physical, mental, emotional -in this case record keeping - it feels good to bring better order to the chaos so that I can actually USE the data to inform decision making. :)

Going to bed IN the bed...gnight.
 
Tues

Slept IN the bed.

Weight 187.7. It was almost 190 the other day after eating all the puff in 2 days and comsuming so much at the ballpark. Didn't each so much yesterday, but did treat myself to a small hf sundae. 330 calls, under $4. I walked away from the 700 calorie $7 shake nearer the house. Went for a little drive before putting the car away for the night.

No Caddie today. I'm glad. I hadn't wanted him overnigiht but had agreed to do a 2nd day while his mom went to appointments. But it was a long way to drive and I encouraged her to do something easier - and she did find a closer option.

Will just walk near the house today. Tree pollens are way up. Rain and wind are on the way it seems; cloudy out. My idea is to get the walk in earlier than normal, then shower off the pollen and sit down to work on budgeting and prep for my meeting today.

My feet esp my left foot is hurting from the walking, Possibly the newish inserts. Or calluses. Will work on calluses more. Maybe they are unevenly thick.
 
Whaaaa stop feeling scared Fiera. Good grief.

I keep (real or imagined) smelling odor in my den. Like funk. Whiff here and there.
The recent virus managed to kill off what little remained of my broken C19 virus smelling ability....I did smell a lilac yesterday on our walk. At times certain things just cut through, like the back porch mildew. So I don't know/can't tell what is the source of the smell or if it is even real. I am going to wash the couch blanket again. I wiped the couch down with a leather cleaner. I'll be hitting the shower soon. It could even be the coffee I brewed perhaps. Frustrating and potentially embarrassing. Sigh. Need to get over it and go out for my walk before I totally derail this day.
 
Whelp. I went to the FP but it was windy, overcast, and creepy with hardly any one (only a couple of individual men about.) I wasn't feeling it. I stayed there for a bit. Called Dad (not avaiable). Rejected the idea of spending money going out for a bite or coffee. Headed back home.

Was not entirely a waste. Cleared head a bit.

Tense is at least in part due to coffee which I have not been drinking much. Got back to work on assigning the transactions. Dad called back. He sounds terrible. Peaches called me after and confirmed he has put more weight on. They really should not be doing this procedure but Peaches says she won't mention calling the doc anymore or even talk to him much because he blows up about everything. I doubt this situation is going to last.

I am not sure, but I finally realized that the wispy eau de funk might be coming from the full trash can or the compost container. Took out the trash and dropped off the compost container (moldy avocado pit yum,). Running the dishwasher. Hoping that is it because it was really affecting my mood.

At one point I was just repeating to myself "everything is temporary" as a sort of mantra. I took 1/2 xanax to quell the anxiety a bit, I really don't know about Proggy coming today, it is such a crappy day and I am not doing well. Not sure what to where we won't spend much money. That may end up being the goal...make cheap eats and go for a drive or something.

After paying $6 the other day for an egg white wrap, I started wondering if the price inflation is particular to my metro area because of minimum wage impacts. I will have to test this by driving out closer to where I used to work and see.
 
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Weds

What a delight to wake up this morning thinking I needed to jump up and get ready for cleaning lady...only to realize she is not coming til tomorrow. I do still need to get ready for her tonight because I get up and go to hospital tomorrow morning for Dad's surgery. Which in reality should be ppd but what can I do.

Guru doc did not respond back regarding message I sent last night. Caddie's mom learned had a potential m exposure during a doc office visit a couple of weeks ago. She is not showing any symptoms. Since she and I only met briefly in passing outdoors to hand off the dog and are both vaccinated (I even have had titres checked a couple of years ago). I am not at all concerned I could be carrying it but having a medical professional back me up would be the right thing to do out of an abunuance of caution. So now I am trying to call the rheum office before my appt at 11.

Need to get out a recruiting email today or tomorrow. Proggy may or may not come tonight. Honestly we both were not feeling it last night and I am not feeling it today. The overcast plus to-do's is a real mood killer.

Can continue categorizing transactions at hospital tomorrow. I think I can manage to keep the financial software from prying eyes and that computer will not be out on the internet. I don't even want to bring it away from home but it is a good opportunity to get work done hate to pass up.
 
Sheesh. Could not get a hold of rheum. Ended up walking into corner of lobby by front door with N95 on. Doc overheard my question and said I was fine to proceed without concerns. Which is what I expected but as they said - it was very considerate and they were appreciative of me asking and masking.

Am trying to get out an email regarding the transport but my email seems hung up trying to synchronize folders. I will give it until 3 at the latest and then try rebooting (again).

Brekkie was 2ew, spinach, 1/2 tortilla
Lunch was ground turkey with bbq sauce, romaine with S-italian place dressing
Of course that is not really enough. I am really struggling with what to eat. It's a combination of just not wanting to cook, trying to use what is already in the house to be frugal, trying not to eat junk....then binging on stuff I shpoulenc only eat sparingly if at all. Last night it was chihuahua cheese tortilla with hot dog. I mostly avoid cheese and when I broke down I just blobbed it on there.

My eyes just closed. My sleep was broken last night but still in total was suffient. Maybe the late eating or the anxiety yesterday. I'm also not back up to full power quite yet.

The rheum was pretty stready state as I am with this latest collapse. I know all the causes..emotional stress about dad's ability to survive the trip, lack of sleep, crappy diet, and the virus. We talked a bit about the overall inflammation in my body and my "stiff" hips which sometimes cause a waddle. And the gut stuff. So, consulting a dietician is next and also getting a baseline x-ray on hips and pelvis. Doing top line inflammatory markers but TBH since I am doing much better, at least in the mornings, I don't think they will find much.

My gut still hurts on the right side where Guru doc suspects a muscle pull. I amd tending to agree. It gets better, then gets worse if I sneeze etc.

Not doing anything interim prior to planned colo next Feb unless something changes.
 
CB was really helpful just now.

After talking with Dad and Peaches I needed to make a decision whether to flag emergent concerns prior to my Dad's surgery tomorrow. She was able to help me see that they both want it, I accept and support it, there are no other good options, his docs have cleared him. She doesn't think the extra fluid will change the equation that much. Let the docs screen him in the morning, let it unfold naturally. My role is to respect his wishes. He will end up in the hospital one way or another pretty soon anyway, this is probably as good a way as any to move forward.
 
Dinner was a lean cuisine Shrimp Alfredo (280). Not enough; added a thin bread (80) with a bit of peanut butter (45). Still doesn't feel enough.
 
April 25 - May 11
Weight 188.4. Muscle loss fat gain no doubt or it would be higher.

It is a long time since I spent time at home.

My concerns were, it turns out well founded. Dad was in hospital for 10 days in and out of icu. Hypercapnia (high CO2,) greatly diminishing cognitive abilties just like last year, reduced ejection fraction, impaired kidney function, bladder not voiding, unable to do anything for himself. The anesthesiologist almost refused to move forward when he evaluated my dad prior to surgery. We think the surgeon pushed him forward after my Dad told him "it's now or never".

Peaches has truly been in a state of shock and denial. I have been mostly fine, because I anticipated something like this could be the outcome. I asked her, we talked about this, being concerned and risky; didn't you see this as a possible outcome? No, she says she didn't.

Anyway 10 days in hospital, and 6 days in an intensive inpatient rehab so far, during which time his condition has both improved and had unexpected setbacks. Like overdoing stool softeners in hospital and him ending up with diarrhea for 3 days after he transferred. The staff at the rehab grossly wanting in foley cathether care and then trauma caused by tranfers resulting in significant bleeds, clots, and a drop in already low hemoglobin. Poor skin care/pressure prevention care. I was at the hospital full time (due to his mental state and ripping things of) and then about 16 hours per day since he got to rehab, making sure the flushing and perineal care were done and supporting him (and his bag) mentally and physically, checking his labs and making sure his meds were correct. Advocating for pain management and proper use of compression. I was thrilled yesterday when he stood for a minute and took a couple of tiny steps, assisted with parallel bars. My fear is he won't be far enough along at discharge for us to take care of him at home. He is too heavy for us and also some caregiver agencies. So now that the crisis with the bleeding is over for the moment, and the day seems under control (Saturdays are rest days from PT) I came home to check my mail and hopefully take a nap. I was there are 6 this morning to make sure the night shift went OK and found him with a full leg bag of wonderfully normal looking urine, and got the commitment from the nurse for a shower or at least perineal care. He is now able to push the button and advocate for whatever he needs and Peaches will be with him after lunch. I will drive back up later to watch hockey with him.

Peaches went to her bowling tourney and got her MRI results after returning. She is having TIA's. She will start meds, but she is processing her own vulernability at the same time she is facing the reality her partner may not recover the ability to walk or transfer and may become largely homebound. She is so ticked at him because his own lack of caring for his health is undermining her efforts to go into later years in good physicsl condition, doing things she wants to do. And she wants to DO things with him not sit with him with the tv on or leave him home by himself, But these are his choices. The odds of him becoming MORE active than his baseline are not good. She is grieving I think the loss of the hopes she had - even greater than his own desires - of getting a somewhat activel life together back. Grief, and anger. I see it and I told her I felt like she was going through a phase I had already gone through and am acceptance now. It does still suck that things might be different, but knowing how hard it is for me to change my own eating and exercising habits, there is just a dull dead space where life could be. After failing for so many years you just run out of the will to try.

*******

I updated CB yesterday and we both agreed I am in "doing" task mode and not really feeling emotions. Numb. AND Acceptance, Both, I also noted that there are two ways we change in this life - deliberately, or change thrust upon us. I am toying with the idea of moving in the back of my mind. Either in with them temporarily or buying a place further north. It feels like I have been pulled so far from my own life that it doesn't really matter anymore, I am happy to have my Dad recover as much as posslble but my life is nomy own any more and won't be as long as he is still with us on this planet. Maybe I just need to lean into it and accept that I am not destined to do the things I thought I would do in my 50's. It is still a life worth having.
 
Ok. Time to get back to trying to be that person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. She doesn't collapse under pressure, she remains balanced and uses her mind to develop a good plan. She asks for help. She values people. She respects herself and others. She slows down and appreciates the journey. She appreciates this day and this moment.

I did not nap. It tends to be difficult for me. Likely Dad and I will sleep through the hockey game together. :)
 
Got some me time today. Was at rehab from 9-1:30. Peaches brought their dog at 12:45 and all we sat out in the parking lot in the sun together for an hour. After, dropped the dog home, got lunch and glass of wine in town, went home, fed the dog, drove around the lake, found a peninsula park that I sat in for a while, watching people and dogs enjoying the beach, fishing, kayaking. Went back home, worked on headcount tally for Thursday's transport, went over and tucked dad in (he was napping and not really responding so I only stayed for 20 mins. On the way back home the most remarkable, beautiful sky, sun and low pressure system clouds...pulled over and took photos and simply watched for a while. THAT was really good, feeling that sense of wonder perk up. Nice weather and a little time off from the hamster wheel set me up for feeling a little bit more like myself.

A crazy storm is now hitting. This weather is so weird. I'm in the guest room at Dad/Peaches. Can't believe it is almost 9 I need to motor and get an email out to the fosters and transport volunteers as well as doing the HHC research. Or, I will get up and work on it in the morning before I go see Dad.
 
Monday

Dad finally took some small steps with walker today. It was exciting. He is super tired though and needs to sit down a lot. His BP 02 etc all seem fine so I wonder if we need to check labs again. His hemoglobin was down to 8.9 after foley trauma last week. 9.9 when admitted to rehab and 10.9 when hospital first did labs after he could not wake up. It was fine not all that long ago.

I am home for 24 to get ready for transport but I wish I was there to explore his medical issues. I will try to get back earlier in the morning than planned. He apparently slept all afternoon.

I have the A/C units cleaned as well as possible and the den turned on, I have an air purifier in here now and the dust or other bits is VERY low and gives me assurances. I set out to clean the musty back deck with mold and mildew spray, in spite,of recent heavy rain rains it still smells (a bit more faint tho). When I hooked up the hose (plumbers tape) and turned the water to the spigot, I discovered that the leader hose to the reel had failed. A quick order of same day delivery but the storm got here firms so I am just trying to do EVERYTHING else. I still have not researched HHA's and I won't/can't overthink it because we can always switch. I mainly want one which will do real PT and OT with him and not just show up and spend the time evaluating him every session.

Keep getting reminders about the person I want to be, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I love that concept. Yet I fail, constantly. I just have to remember that like anything, discipline of the mind requires a great deal of practice, I don't have to be perfect at all to get started *trying*. Trying will get me somewhere.

**********************

Peaches got a phone call at 6:30am this morning. Her daughter Sy, during her drive to work. Apparently Sy's daughter (the married one) who has a one year old is having marital problems. She was a bigger girl when younger, and after the wedding and baby has put on weight and is not taking care of her appearance; the husband is apparently not helping with the kid and would rather do fun things rather than help his wife. Ugh. TB told me after I put on a little weight that it was a problem for him. I knew then that there was no hope for a future for us. If I can't stay fit and active for myself then how can I do it for someone else? I am grateful at least that I found this out before we got married and started having kids. I wonder if I still have that email, somewhere, received around 2013 New Year's in Boston IIRC.

I thought of AN briefly and I guess the Universe is doing for me what I needed. Time, space, other priorities. I finally called Proggy on drive home today and ended up getting off the phone after quite a long and frustrating discussion about logistics for this weekend. After it was over, I realized that he was put out because he wanted to ride with me so he could drink more than a beer or two at the four hour event. And he did not like the scenarios I was spinning as they were not convenient for him. I can't i see it now. If he is upset I am not bending over backwards for him too bad. Will see if he decides to show up and be helpful and supportive or if he just wants to hang because I am his designated driver. Shoot. Another friendship which is feeling worn and tired around the edges.

I need to color my hair.
 
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Tuesday

Quickie morning reflections as I have not had this opportunity in a while. Matcha on my own couch! Busy getting ready for transport, Porch light went out (it is dim so I guess it is the bulb? how do LED bulbs die? Do I have a replacement? etc.).

Peaches is historically a steady individual. Her brain and personality are light years different from mine, I think she feels befuddled right now. The other day she said when I am talking to the nurses I use big words she has never heard before. I don't know how much of that is true and how much is just because I was sitting bedside for days listening and observing and she was out of town. She is a quality person and she lives for fun with her brood but she is just not the best when it comes to advocating for my dad and understanding what is going on.

Yesterday he was tired from the 8 AM PT session and when they came for the 11A OT I guess he kept nodding off. He had lunch at 12 and then OT scheduled at 1 which she observed he was tired and could only take a few steps before needing to sit down. Then after, he went down for a nap at 2. The nurse brought his pain med and Peaches told the nurse to hold it because it was making him sleepy and just give him some later at bed time. At least she texted me and told me that she did this. I explained to her (again) as it was explained to me, that yes, gapapentin can make people sleepy, especially when they first start it. But, it is no instant on or off like a narcotic it has to build up. But Dad was not getting up because the pain was too bad without it and he cannot have narcotics right now. Plus, he IS tired and he IS weak. Maybe it is his weakened heart? Maybe the low hemoglobin? Whatever it is, I would like to discuss with the nurse or doc before making a decision to withhold the only pain med he is getting beyond Tylenol. Anyway my point is that she approached it from a limited understanding and doesn't have the intellectual curiosity or drive to really be a strong advocate. I will be up there this morning provoking a discussion with the docs and insisting on new blood work.

I am just observing really, it is not a complaint. But I also wonder if her befuddlement is also a sign her brain/TIA issues are making things tougher for her. More likely she just never has been around someone who thinks as analytically and rapidly as I do when I am latched on with focus.

Sky is flat grey overcast; everything is wet from a night of spring rain. Temperature is cooler out after a nice sunny mid 80's yesterday. Going to get moving on the chores I need to do before I leave at 10. First task - that porch light.

"To be one with the Universe and to find my best, right place in it, for the benefit of myself and others,"
 
So sleep deprived and drained it actually hurts.

Back home for the evening and transport tomorrow. But the entire time worrying about Dad an hour away who only half-passed his foley removal/voiding test and decided to gamble. And it was hard to me to sit back and let Peaches do the follow up w nurses because she just doesn't take it all as urgently as I do. Fortunately, after 5 hours he finally called with success. Now maybe I can sleep.

We are short volunteers tomorrow to handle part 2 of the intake; usually these things work out somehow,

Will be glad when intake is done...so much to do. Peaches agreed today that I probably need to start taking over my Dad's finances. Sometimes he is clear, sometimes confused,

Eye shutting good night.
 
Thursday - Transport Day!

I slept pretty well, and called the nurses desk at 4AM to make sure he had been checked on in the night and was still producing. Up early = good for preparing for transport, bad for picking up slack in evening when we have low volunteer turnout expected. Am trying to remain calm and pace myself.

This morning after seeing one of the hs people post a comment to another about a third, S, being a global traveler, I got to thinking about the circumstances under which I last saw her, how I feel and think about her, and how disconnected I feel from that group, my amusement park group, my clubby and post-divorce people, etc. Evern the dog rescue people I have not had much contact with lately, Coming back to this broken house and smelly deck I feel so much shame.

Then the thought came...what if I decided to love myself anyway? What I acknowledged my many faults and said I am going to live with these and get on with living my life? There was a lifting of sorts, acceptance perhaps, not gripping so tightly to the shame, not focusing so hard on the imperfections. Today I will try to have fun in spite of the fact that things are far from perfect and my deck smells and I am too short and no longer able to put the globe back over the porch light from the 2nd ladder step. I will take a break from the hyperfocused attention on my Dad and simply enjoy today and get some doggie petting time too.
 
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