Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Thanks Cate. He really is!
- Yes, I quite enjoyed it, Liza.
- Thanks Marsia.
I have come back from my time away very ill but thinner! Yay! Hahaha. No, I feel truly awful. I didn't feel good before going and the trip has pushed me into really bad illness. And bad humour and tears again. Lots of tears! Holding back all the tears in work again today, which is truly terrible.
I haven't cried like this in years, so maybe it's a good thing? It feels like I am going through a huge detox of emotion, which has made me violently ill. I guess I'm trying to see the positives here in what is really a very difficult time.
I weighed in today at 175 pounds, which puts my BMI at 26.9. I actually lost weight on my holiday, which is amazing. My appetite has really changed. I had vegetables for dinner and that was it. I didn't even feel like eating those really. I'm just so out of sorts, you know?
It's difficult because I kind of want to lay out all the stuff that's on my mind but it's tricky when it's the internet and it's probably not that hard to trace this account back to me. So I have to be a bit vague about things at times.
Anyway, what I can tell you is that I got my parents two toblerones on the way back and my dad was so happy with them! Hahaha. My mum loves white chocolate so I got a white chocolate one and the standard one. Work today was fine, people were nice to me because they knew I was completely under the weather.
I wish my spirits would start to lift soon because this crying period is really becoming a curse. I can use it in my acting I guess! I always look for the angle! I guess that's a good thing.
- Yes, I quite enjoyed it, Liza.
- Thanks Marsia.
I have come back from my time away very ill but thinner! Yay! Hahaha. No, I feel truly awful. I didn't feel good before going and the trip has pushed me into really bad illness. And bad humour and tears again. Lots of tears! Holding back all the tears in work again today, which is truly terrible.
I haven't cried like this in years, so maybe it's a good thing? It feels like I am going through a huge detox of emotion, which has made me violently ill. I guess I'm trying to see the positives here in what is really a very difficult time.
I weighed in today at 175 pounds, which puts my BMI at 26.9. I actually lost weight on my holiday, which is amazing. My appetite has really changed. I had vegetables for dinner and that was it. I didn't even feel like eating those really. I'm just so out of sorts, you know?
It's difficult because I kind of want to lay out all the stuff that's on my mind but it's tricky when it's the internet and it's probably not that hard to trace this account back to me. So I have to be a bit vague about things at times.
Anyway, what I can tell you is that I got my parents two toblerones on the way back and my dad was so happy with them! Hahaha. My mum loves white chocolate so I got a white chocolate one and the standard one. Work today was fine, people were nice to me because they knew I was completely under the weather.
I wish my spirits would start to lift soon because this crying period is really becoming a curse. I can use it in my acting I guess! I always look for the angle! I guess that's a good thing.
Last edited:
Oh, Em, that's so unfair about being sick on vacation and coming back still sick. I hope you can take a day or two off and let all the crying out and rest. We've just been studying cognitive reconstruction (rethinking things in an optimistic way) and it's supposed to prolong your life and all kinds of other good things. But sorry you have to reconstruct and that things aren't just working themselves out. Big hugs, and I second what Cate said about PMing people on the forum.
So sorry to hear you are not feeling well physically or emotionally emily
Congrats on the weight--hopefully soon you will be feeling well and happy and healthy all round!
Good for you looking to the possible positives. I do hope it is a way of processing stuff that needs to be processed and that you will be feeling better very soon.
Congrats on the weight--hopefully soon you will be feeling well and happy and healthy all round!
- Aw, thanks Cate. It's too complicated to get into really. I mean, it doesn't even make sense to me really, nevermind trying to explain it to someone else. I've never been as low, but I think really it's a sign that I need to change. And change is fucking hard.
- Oh, sometimes Marsia, I find positive thinking so tough and kind of a false promise in some ways. I won't quite pass into the dark side, but sometimes it's good to just bask in the negative emotions, rather than pretend that everything is 'fine'. Things aren't fine, I don't feel fine, and I have to put on a cheery enough mask day-to-day, while trying not to fall apart completely...
- Thanks Liza. It doesn't feel like it but hopefully, I will turn that corner!
It's been a real mixed bag of a day. Mostly good really. I didn't cry today, so that's progress I think!! Not yet anyway. I also feel really good about something that I achieved today, so that's a great feeling as well.
It's funny, you can look at people that accomplish things and think, 'Wow, they have an amazing life' from the outside, but you really have no idea if it is or not. I've accomplished so much stuff in the last while, I should be walking on Cloud 9 to be honest. And I've never been as ran down or miserable. Hahaha. Ah no, I think all of the positive green shoots of hope surrounding me are keeping me tethered to the earth in some ways. I hope to look back on this period in 30 years time and only remember the good stuff.
What else can I tell you? I'm not as sick today but I did a lot of sleeping yesterday. I had this horrible tension headache last night when I was lying down from all the coughing. I HAVE to stop smoking, I just have to now. It feels like a huge mountain to climb, I'm not going to lie. But I've kind of linked giving up smoking with another thing in my life that's a huge mountain to climb, but one that could be enjoyable.
Basically, if I can give up smoking, I feel like I can do fucking anything! And that would help with the other challenging thing I have coming up too. Anyway, that's a focus for the weekend. Let's see how it goes.
- Oh, sometimes Marsia, I find positive thinking so tough and kind of a false promise in some ways. I won't quite pass into the dark side, but sometimes it's good to just bask in the negative emotions, rather than pretend that everything is 'fine'. Things aren't fine, I don't feel fine, and I have to put on a cheery enough mask day-to-day, while trying not to fall apart completely...
- Thanks Liza. It doesn't feel like it but hopefully, I will turn that corner!
It's been a real mixed bag of a day. Mostly good really. I didn't cry today, so that's progress I think!! Not yet anyway. I also feel really good about something that I achieved today, so that's a great feeling as well.
It's funny, you can look at people that accomplish things and think, 'Wow, they have an amazing life' from the outside, but you really have no idea if it is or not. I've accomplished so much stuff in the last while, I should be walking on Cloud 9 to be honest. And I've never been as ran down or miserable. Hahaha. Ah no, I think all of the positive green shoots of hope surrounding me are keeping me tethered to the earth in some ways. I hope to look back on this period in 30 years time and only remember the good stuff.
What else can I tell you? I'm not as sick today but I did a lot of sleeping yesterday. I had this horrible tension headache last night when I was lying down from all the coughing. I HAVE to stop smoking, I just have to now. It feels like a huge mountain to climb, I'm not going to lie. But I've kind of linked giving up smoking with another thing in my life that's a huge mountain to climb, but one that could be enjoyable.
Basically, if I can give up smoking, I feel like I can do fucking anything! And that would help with the other challenging thing I have coming up too. Anyway, that's a focus for the weekend. Let's see how it goes.
It's so hard to make plans for change that encourage you when you're feeling really sick. I hope you can have a really good restful weekend and can reevaluate things when you are feeling better. I think change like quitting smoking is really hard, but maybe there are also less challenging things you can do so you get some easier successes in, like taking up a hobby that engrosses you or learning new skills that make you feel great about your abilities, or things like that, too. Have you considered getting a medical doctor's help with quitting smoking? It seems like there are some good products out there like the patch that really help some people, but I know nothing about that stuff. Maybe having a doctor who you are accountable to would be helpful. Anyway, whatever you do, I hope you do pause and give yourself nice credit for all that you are already accomplishing. I wish you'd get a break and not have to go through such hard times emotionally, but I also have faith in your ability to get through this and to come out the other side even stronger.
That is great to acknowledge all those great successes and achievements and that you do have lots of positives in your life. It's good to be able to see that even while you are feeling down.
I do hope that you can find your way to giving up smoking. So many benefits to that for sure!
- Thanks Cate. Things are improving. I think. Haha.
- Hi Marsia. I think a consultation with a doctor might be a good plan. I feel like if I had something to look forward to every day that wasn't a cigarette, maybe I could do it? I just haven't figured out what that thing might be yet.
- Thanks Liza. There are so many things going right and I really do need to start 'seeing the love' and not the bad stuff. I took an angel card out of the pack at home last night and that was the message. 'See the love.'
Physically and emotionally, I'm a lot better this week. Still not 100% and I still want to sleep every opportunity I get, but I guess that could be because I have loads going on in my head and my immune system is compromised. A cold sore was rearing its ugly head but it seems to be calming down without going into complete erruption stage. So, you know, that's a positive. I had one of those fruit cup things for breakfast during the week and I definitely feel all that vitamin C helped matters.
I met my old friend Steve for lunch on Sunday and it was great to catch up with him. I got to offload a little about all the stuff I've been feeling. I had a giant headache afterwards, which I think was due to some emotional release. Maybe I should get a therapist. I don't know. I've said it here before but I think I would start inventing a personality after a while for the therapist's benefit. Pretend I'm doing better even if I wasn't, that kind of thing. I think my imagination is a bit out of control, to be honest.
I have this huge thing coming up in April and I really can't be ill either physically or emotionally for it. The good news is that I am doing really well with food. I'm kind of listening to my body and eating when I'm hungry. Not always the best things, but not too bad. I look thinner. Some of my jumpers look very roomy now. My dresses are a bit longer. Not many people have noticed but I can. Exercise is okay. Could be better but I played a good bit of tennis this week, so that was good.
But I really do need to be in a good routine for the next 6 weeks. Bed at 9 or 10. Proper meals with green vegetables. Go back to running and the gym. Swimming if there's time (there's not). But yeah. I kind of need to get into a military regime. I actually feel better when I get into a military regime but the overactive mind is bored. That's the problem. I want adventures all the time. And, at the end of the military regime will be a huge adventure, which will only be enjoyable if I stick with the programme. Sigh. Life, eh?
I heard this today, lovely stuff:
- Hi Marsia. I think a consultation with a doctor might be a good plan. I feel like if I had something to look forward to every day that wasn't a cigarette, maybe I could do it? I just haven't figured out what that thing might be yet.
- Thanks Liza. There are so many things going right and I really do need to start 'seeing the love' and not the bad stuff. I took an angel card out of the pack at home last night and that was the message. 'See the love.'
Physically and emotionally, I'm a lot better this week. Still not 100% and I still want to sleep every opportunity I get, but I guess that could be because I have loads going on in my head and my immune system is compromised. A cold sore was rearing its ugly head but it seems to be calming down without going into complete erruption stage. So, you know, that's a positive. I had one of those fruit cup things for breakfast during the week and I definitely feel all that vitamin C helped matters.
I met my old friend Steve for lunch on Sunday and it was great to catch up with him. I got to offload a little about all the stuff I've been feeling. I had a giant headache afterwards, which I think was due to some emotional release. Maybe I should get a therapist. I don't know. I've said it here before but I think I would start inventing a personality after a while for the therapist's benefit. Pretend I'm doing better even if I wasn't, that kind of thing. I think my imagination is a bit out of control, to be honest.
I have this huge thing coming up in April and I really can't be ill either physically or emotionally for it. The good news is that I am doing really well with food. I'm kind of listening to my body and eating when I'm hungry. Not always the best things, but not too bad. I look thinner. Some of my jumpers look very roomy now. My dresses are a bit longer. Not many people have noticed but I can. Exercise is okay. Could be better but I played a good bit of tennis this week, so that was good.
But I really do need to be in a good routine for the next 6 weeks. Bed at 9 or 10. Proper meals with green vegetables. Go back to running and the gym. Swimming if there's time (there's not). But yeah. I kind of need to get into a military regime. I actually feel better when I get into a military regime but the overactive mind is bored. That's the problem. I want adventures all the time. And, at the end of the military regime will be a huge adventure, which will only be enjoyable if I stick with the programme. Sigh. Life, eh?
I heard this today, lovely stuff:
Hi Em, and Happy Birthday a little late!! I think seeing a doctor could be a really good thing as far as kicking the habit and having someone there to help figure out what works for you. I don't know what a good substitute for a cigarette would be - people usually talk about doing something with their hands that is a soothing ritual because part of the smoking thing for them was about the ritualistic physical part. Maybe making an espresso on a nice espresso machine or something like caffeine which also focuses your attention like nicotine does? Glad you had someone to talk about everything with this weekend. I recommend interviewing an existential or existential humanist if you think you'd really bs the therapist- they are into authenticity and truth and would keep you centered on what you really want and on honing in on what is meaningful for you in your life (that's the existential part) and humanists practice "unconditional positive regard" meaning they see you as a friend who they are supporting emotionally as well as they possibly can. (Usually therapists have the option of you interviewing them for a free mini-session either in person or over the phone to see if there is a good fit or not.). Anyway, I hope it goes well with the military regime. I'm trying to be more disciplined, too, and wish you a lot of luck with that! The song is lovely!!
- Thank you Cate, that's so thoughtful of you. Glad you liked the song.
- I must google that and see if there's anyone that can do that here, thanks Marsia. Sounds interesting.
- Thanks Liza. I have a bad attitude towards it, to be honest, because I am a complete child, but you're right, it could be fun! I need some Mary Poppins sass in here.
Like I said on Marsia's thread, I did that 'well of abundance' meditation from The Honest Guys a couple of nights ago and things have been going really well since then. Work today went great, even though I felt tired, and other areas of my life are pretty good too. Actually, Spanish Guy texted me today asking to meet again and he said I looked nice in my profile picture. I'm not going to meet him for the time being, I'm just too busy. But, you know, I was kind of happy that he reached out again. Maybe that door isn't quite closed yet.
My mum and dad seem to be doing really well. Mum seems a lot better. They have had to take a few trips together recently and she's going to do this course in April with an energy healer who has a really good reputation, so it's great to see her taking proactive steps to try to feel better. So that is very encouraging. I think she sounds a lot better when I speak to her on the phone lately. I called out to them on my birthday and we had some of the leftover cake they'd got for me in the office earlier that day. It was really nice. When I was younger, I would have thought that was kind of a pathetic way of spending my birthday but I guess I appreciate them more all the time and how much they do for me and have done for me throughout the years. My dad never got promoted and he said that he's so glad that I haven't inherited that gene. Lol. He's proud of me. But I put a lot of my achievements down to them because they really have always believed in me and always encouraged me to be my own person. Which is cool.
Anyway, I still have a lot to learn and I know I could be taking better care of myself in general, but I am going to give myself credit today for the stuff I've managed to do well, because it really was a good day.
- I must google that and see if there's anyone that can do that here, thanks Marsia. Sounds interesting.
- Thanks Liza. I have a bad attitude towards it, to be honest, because I am a complete child, but you're right, it could be fun! I need some Mary Poppins sass in here.
Like I said on Marsia's thread, I did that 'well of abundance' meditation from The Honest Guys a couple of nights ago and things have been going really well since then. Work today went great, even though I felt tired, and other areas of my life are pretty good too. Actually, Spanish Guy texted me today asking to meet again and he said I looked nice in my profile picture. I'm not going to meet him for the time being, I'm just too busy. But, you know, I was kind of happy that he reached out again. Maybe that door isn't quite closed yet.
My mum and dad seem to be doing really well. Mum seems a lot better. They have had to take a few trips together recently and she's going to do this course in April with an energy healer who has a really good reputation, so it's great to see her taking proactive steps to try to feel better. So that is very encouraging. I think she sounds a lot better when I speak to her on the phone lately. I called out to them on my birthday and we had some of the leftover cake they'd got for me in the office earlier that day. It was really nice. When I was younger, I would have thought that was kind of a pathetic way of spending my birthday but I guess I appreciate them more all the time and how much they do for me and have done for me throughout the years. My dad never got promoted and he said that he's so glad that I haven't inherited that gene. Lol. He's proud of me. But I put a lot of my achievements down to them because they really have always believed in me and always encouraged me to be my own person. Which is cool.
Anyway, I still have a lot to learn and I know I could be taking better care of myself in general, but I am going to give myself credit today for the stuff I've managed to do well, because it really was a good day.
Thanks Liza, it was very sweet really.
It's the weekend. I'm so happy to be able to do NOTHING this weekend! I've had a frantic couple of weeks and I really, really need this time to sleep and heal and try to get back to 100% health. I still have this damn cough. I'm still smoking of course but I'm giving myself a mini-challenge this weekend to not smoke, as I really have nothing stressful going on and I don't have anything to use as an 'excuse' to smoke. So anyway, I'm going to try (again).
I finished watching that film Past Lives last night, it's great. Very poignant. Would recommend.
Work today was fine, I was a bit tired and got a bit cranky at one stage, but by the end of the day, I think it was all fine.
I just chatted a bit with my new housemate there, he's really nice. I think we'll get on well. He's been quiet so far, hahaha.
Not really sure what else to talk about. I would kind of love if my housemates fecked off for the night and I had the house to myself. MANIFEST! Not that they're in my face or anything, it's just sometimes a relief to be completely alone. My other housemate has a new boyfriend who I am sure is a nice chap but he has such a loud, booming laugh and I really hate when he wakes me up early on a weekend morning with it!! So hopefully he is not around tonight.
There's a referendum on today in Ireland to amend a few bits of the constitution. I read a bit about it today, but I actually don't know what the right thing to vote for is, so I'm abstaining for the first time ever perhaps. Which is bad. I really should vote. Anyway, it's a really low turnout so far, so I think most of us are confused. Is it something that needed to be done? Not sure. Anyway, I'll still be curious to see what the outcome is.
Right, that's enough babbling. I'm going to just tune out the world for the evening and watch a film and tomorrow will be resting, cleaning my room, and doing a bit of work on this project I'm involved in. So nothing too exciting. Sunday is Mother's Day but I'm not sure I'll go home, to be honest. I just have other things I need to get done this weekend. If I don't, I will get my mum something the next time I'm home instead.
It's the weekend. I'm so happy to be able to do NOTHING this weekend! I've had a frantic couple of weeks and I really, really need this time to sleep and heal and try to get back to 100% health. I still have this damn cough. I'm still smoking of course but I'm giving myself a mini-challenge this weekend to not smoke, as I really have nothing stressful going on and I don't have anything to use as an 'excuse' to smoke. So anyway, I'm going to try (again).
I finished watching that film Past Lives last night, it's great. Very poignant. Would recommend.
Work today was fine, I was a bit tired and got a bit cranky at one stage, but by the end of the day, I think it was all fine.
I just chatted a bit with my new housemate there, he's really nice. I think we'll get on well. He's been quiet so far, hahaha.
Not really sure what else to talk about. I would kind of love if my housemates fecked off for the night and I had the house to myself. MANIFEST! Not that they're in my face or anything, it's just sometimes a relief to be completely alone. My other housemate has a new boyfriend who I am sure is a nice chap but he has such a loud, booming laugh and I really hate when he wakes me up early on a weekend morning with it!! So hopefully he is not around tonight.
There's a referendum on today in Ireland to amend a few bits of the constitution. I read a bit about it today, but I actually don't know what the right thing to vote for is, so I'm abstaining for the first time ever perhaps. Which is bad. I really should vote. Anyway, it's a really low turnout so far, so I think most of us are confused. Is it something that needed to be done? Not sure. Anyway, I'll still be curious to see what the outcome is.
Right, that's enough babbling. I'm going to just tune out the world for the evening and watch a film and tomorrow will be resting, cleaning my room, and doing a bit of work on this project I'm involved in. So nothing too exciting. Sunday is Mother's Day but I'm not sure I'll go home, to be honest. I just have other things I need to get done this weekend. If I don't, I will get my mum something the next time I'm home instead.
Cate
Long term member
I can only say how I feel. I would prefer not to get presents on Mother's Day but a phone call in the morning makes my day, especially if there's a "love you" there. The message I got from R recently saying that he thinks he has the best Mum & Dad still makes me feel so good! I can never be told too often that I am loved xoxo
Must be so interesting to get new housemates that you don't choose for yourself...I'm not sure how well I would do with that!
Sounds like you do pretty well with it all. I do hope you got a night for yourself in the house.
Best of luck with the smoke-free weekend!
