Llama

Llama

Well-known member
Thanks all. Still not doing great but that's to be expected given that I'm not eating great. I have managed to up my greens intake though and my skin is calmer already. Yay nutrition. And I should've been on treadmill duty both today AND tomorrow but they changed it so I get to have quiet time at work tomorrow. Silver linings. Also: I'm still walking my 7.5 km every day (to work and back) so I'm not completely inactive. Let's keep listing the positives so I can believe in myself.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Oh, LaMa. Try to look at yourself how others, including me, see you. Walking 7.5 km every day, cooking nutritious food for yourself (most of the time), doing family exercise that you organise, maintaining friendships, working full time in full protective gear, being supportive in this forum, being very close to your happy weight......I could go on & on. All of this you are doing through a bloody pandemic!
You have so many good traits. You must believe in yourself. You are pretty awesome, in my opinion.
 

Llama

Well-known member
I'm trying to think about how that works. And about why I feel so ashamed when I'm bigger. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to think about it as much and try to feel it instead... which brings me back to: I feel like at the core of my being there is nothing valuable or lovable, so I have to create value by doing instead. Or maybe even just create a façade, because I have no hope of real value. If I'm fit and lean-ish maybe people won't look beyond that and realize I'm a fraud and an empty shell. I don't actually think I am that way but I do feel like I am. And I don't know why, nor do I know how to change it.
 

Marsia

Well-known member
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:!!!! Everyone feels like this at times, especially when not feeling well physically. You absolutely can not believe these negative thoughts, especially when feeling out of sorts. I think what happens is that you feel down, and the brain searches for a reason, and if you are used to believing negative thoughts, when they pop up, the brain says, "there, that's why you feel bad. You are not enough in these ways,..." But this is just because you have believed these things in the past and conditioned yourself to feel ok unfairly criticizing yourself. That is why I really have to work on positively conditioning myself when I am feeling good. I really work on self acceptance and compassion for myself, faults and all because I have believed way too much negative stuff about myself - the stuff that isn't helpful or true. That has to be slowly and surely challenged and not believed in. I need to just not listen to the negative stuff by asking myself if the negative thought is both true and helpful. If not, the thought is sabotage, and I need to stop listening to it.

It's not something that happens overnight, because negative conditioning happened over years, so it's going to take a while to un-do. But I agree 110% with Cate about all your amazingness, and I hope you take it easy on yourself while you are feeling out of sorts.

Also, I was thinking this morning - if you really feel the need to binge, could you go buy lots of fruit and binge on that instead?
 

Llama

Well-known member
I need to just not listen to the negative stuff by asking myself if the negative thought is both true and helpful. If not, the thought is sabotage, and I need to stop listening to it.
That's 100% what I need to do as well. My brain wants to tell me that if I could only figure out why I feel this way I could make it go away instantly but I know that isn't actually true. So let's get cracking. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out, my friend. I can feel all this resistance kick up: butbutbut! BUT nothing of substance follows after the buts. These are not reasonable feelings so I should stop trying to reason myself out of them.
Also, I was thinking this morning - if you really feel the need to binge, could you go buy lots of fruit and binge on that instead?
Yes I could. And I sometimes do. It's just that my brain doesn't want fruit when it wants to binge. But I took a large portion of mango out of the freezer yesterday, prepped my last pomegranate, and I also have a large amount of good grapes left. So that's the plan for today. I will take good care of myself because I am a decent person who deserves quality food rather than quick-fix junk.

And I should probably put a reminder in my phone a couple of days before my period that hormones encourage the jerk part of my brain to tell damaging lies...
 

Llama

Well-known member
Went for a walk with a friend today, despite the cold wind and expectations of snow/sleet. New coat holding up very well! I did overdo it with chocolate again (came home too hungry) but at least I ate real meals as well. Tomorrow I expect to be back on track
 

Marsia

Well-known member
I have to wrestle with myself a lot like this, too. I think it comes with the territory of being rather anxious and using food to artificially curb anxiety. But I know we can re-train ourselves to use exercise and self expression for anxiety relief and use food for real healthy nutrition. I'm right there with you about re-training our brains!
 

Llama

Well-known member
Exactly. Our brain is like our muscles: what we do/think a lot gets easier while what we forget about, ignore, or repress becomes difficult, painful, or even short-term impossible.

I did not binge today. Was sorely tempted and didn't go outside at all because I was afraid I'd give in to temptation if I did but I did not binge. New day tomorrow.
 

Marsia

Well-known member
Exactly. Our brain is like our muscles: what we do/think a lot gets easier while what we forget about, ignore, or repress becomes difficult, painful, or even short-term impossible.

I did not binge today. Was sorely tempted and didn't go outside at all because I was afraid I'd give in to temptation if I did but I did not binge. New day tomorrow.
I sort of agree, but repressing things is like holding a balloon underwater. It tends to want to pop back out when you forget to hold it down any more. But I do really agree about training the brain like a muscle and I think I am stealing your image to use on me! Also I remember that sometimes it helps to see what the addictive drive is trying to get out of the situation. If I can remember to ask it and substitute something healthy to satisfy the goal I can subvert the unhealthy behavior into something healthy. Like I often overeat to feel comforted, so I'll sometimes take a hot shower or wrap myself in a blanket and pillows or have a nice hot something to drink instead of using food.

I think you did wonderfully not going out and not even tempting yourself to buy crappy food!
 

Llama

Well-known member
If I can remember to ask it and substitute something healthy to satisfy the goal I can subvert the unhealthy behavior into something healthy.
I try that but what my brain generally wants from a binge is to get knocked out and there is no healthy alternative for that. Yes, I can go for a walk to calm down my brain or I can meditate but it doesn't compare. And getting drunk or high probably isn't better than overeating.
 

Marsia

Well-known member
I try that but what my brain generally wants from a binge is to get knocked out and there is no healthy alternative for that. Yes, I can go for a walk to calm down my brain or I can meditate but it doesn't compare. And getting drunk or high probably isn't better than overeating.
I know what you mean about the brain being really demanding, and at times it's so hard not to just give in, especially when I'm tired or stressed. I am working on being consistent - something I am super bad at. Hopefully once I'm consistent when things are going well, I can expand that to be more consistent when challenging the urge to eat badly. I agree completely about this being like working out muscles.

The part I am getting better at is not letting myself feel bad if I slip because that just adds to my stress. In addiction studies we learned about the cycle of the typical alcoholic where when they slip, they then slide into shame and blaming themselves, and that leads to stress and more chance of slipping next time. So to interrupt the cycle, it's recommended to learn to let go of perfectionism and judgement and work more toward experimenting with what is supportive and grounding. Writing this, I know I really need to do this and take a clue from my own studies!!
 

Llama

Well-known member
Of course: it's the classic binge - restrict cycle. Can be hard to break out of. I'm more of a binge - don't have energy to cook - eat crappy convenience food that isn't satisfying - binge some more to feel satisfied - type. Repeat a couple of days until eating normal amounts of calories, salt, and fat feels like restriction. The solution, of course, is to forget about normal amounts and focus on adding back foods that'll give me energy to do better regardless of the salt and calories.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
I always find these discussions interesting. To me, binge eating is trying to suppress bad feelings, usually about ourselves & for me, it used to feel like saying "stuff that" to the world. It was a form of self-abuse in a way. "I don't deserve to be slim" "I'm not worthy" etc. It's probably something different for most people.
Maybe we should start a new thread. "Why do I think I binge?" & try to help those that do. Just articulating the reasons & gaining support might be useful for others.
I think you are in the middle of your late shift Monday, early shift Tuesday, LaMa, assuming you still do that. Hope it's not too difficult & flies xo
 

Marsia

Well-known member
I agree with Cate - so hard to know the reasons, but maybe just good to keep examining what in the heck we are doing when we aren't eating well. Not like I have any solutions except that I do know bringing more consciousness to things is crucial.

The solution, of course, is to forget about normal amounts and focus on adding back foods that'll give me energy to do better regardless of the salt and calories.
That sounds like a really good idea - especially for you because you are great at just exercising off any excess calories. Between the 3 of us we could be so healthy - I find cooking healthy food soothing, you are great at physical fitness, and Cate is very emotionally intelligent and good at putting things into perspective - and plus has the happy dog who could get me out and taking walks with them!
 
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