Llama

Llama

Well-known member
Should have been written this way originally. If the ancient Hebrews had chocolate it probably would have been!
Yeah, date cake just isn't the same... Although soft dried dates are VERY bingable. Blended up with some nuts and pressed into a mold to set so you can cut it like a cake? Maybe flavored with some candied ginger or cinnamon? Yes, please! Good thing it's time for bed...
Sounds reasonable to me, my brain will tell me anything it thinks can trick me into a binge..
True that. I still hold out hope that I might find healthy behavioral alternatives for at least some of my binges (rather than just screaming "no!" at myself every time) but sometimes my brain just wants me to binge because binging feels good in the moment and stopping while it still feels good is hard.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Hi, LaMa. Your points system seems to be working well for now. Well done on trying to find strategies to resist the binge urges without self-flagellation!
 

Llama

Well-known member
Alllways trying... Admittedly sometimes trying and failing for a good while, but still.
I almost cried at work today. Twice. In front of patients. Just because they praised my work. If that's not a sign my period is about to start I don't know what is.
Didn't quite make my 2 hour/12km walking goal today (I did do 1hr45 minutes/10.5 km plus 5 minutes of step-ups but then I didn't want to do anymore so I didn't) but I still managed 6 points. *pats self on back*
Lunch was half a wiener-stuffed-crust pizza with only 27g of protein for 654 kcal. Contrast today's protein pudding with 20g of protein for 160 kcal. I kind of wanted the greasiness though.

Gih 7.5, msh 7, airways 7, mood 8.
 

liza

Well-known member
Well that's nice to hear that at least the tears were from being moved from praise! It's nice to hear you being appreciated for your work.
Nice work on the walking--1hr45 sounds good to me!
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
I think it's wonderful that you got to hear that praise and that made you tear up. That means you're human, LaMa. Someone else acknowledging you and the help you are giving them is amazing! You are making a difference to people's lives every day. Feeling emotional about that is allowed! :)
 

Cate

Long-term member.
I think it's wonderful that you got to hear that praise and that made you tear up. That means you're human, LaMa. Someone else acknowledging you and the help you are giving them is amazing! You are making a difference to people's lives every day. Feeling emotional about that is allowed! :)
& :iagree: with Em 🥰
 

Llama

Well-known member
Thanks guys. I often get a bit choked up when I get praise. Probably because the feeling of utter worthlessness is still sitting tight at the core of my being. I'll just keep chipping away at that.

Drum roll please... I got a perfectly punctual period! :hurray: First one in way too long but at least it happened. 80.1 kg and 35.0% fat.
 

toodamtall

Active member
Sometimes my brain just wants me to binge because binging feels good in the moment and stopping while it still feels good is hard.
Boy can I relate to that!
Interesting point, and one that can be a really slippery slope. In AA, the actual book that we use has passages (bear in mind, from the original 1939 text) where they talk about sidestepping cravings for alcohol by giving yourself chocolate or candy. There were even doctors who bought off on it and even recommended it.

From a purely physiological level, I get it. Some of the same receptors are in use, and some of the comfort/satisfaction can be derailed away from the truly dangerous substance, but... As someone who has had food addictions as well as substance addictions, it could go just as badly! The process may be slower, but the self destruction is every bit as real.

I have a slightly easier time short circuiting a food binge. If I take even one drink though, the bottle will be finished and my life unravels...
 

Llama

Well-known member
People eating sweets to help stop smoking is a classic example. I think it's a blessing for me that I will get violently sick if I drink too much - or even just too often. Definitely makes it easier to stop. Chocolate makes me sick as well but only after 400g or so (to put that into perspective: for my parents 25g is a portion of chocolate) and the next day once I stop wanting to puke I'll want more chocolate.
 

alligatorob

Respected Member
Didn't quite make my 2 hour/12km walking goal today (I did do 1hr45 minutes/10.5 km plus 5 minutes of step-ups but then I didn't want to do anymore so I didn't) but I still managed 6 points. *pats self on back*
10.5 km is pretty good!
I often get a bit choked up when I get praise.
You know I have a similar reaction/problem. Always like the old, perhaps Marks bothers quote, something to the effect of:
"I'd never join a club that would have someone like me as a member.". I know it can be a serious problem, but for me making a joke of it helps a bit.
About the same as me today.


sometimes my brain just wants me to binge because binging feels good in the moment and stopping while it still feels good is hard.
Yep, but have never tried or been able to do the "stopping while it still feels good" thing. Not sure its possible... The day after no binge ever feels good.
Chocolate makes me sick as well but only after 400g
I can eat a lot more than that and still feel good physically, probably not an attribute to brag about. Its the fat gain and guilt that makes me feel bad.
 

Llama

Well-known member
I can eat a lot more than that and still feel good physically, probably not an attribute to brag about. Its the fat gain and guilt that makes me feel bad.
There have been long stretches of time when I wouldn´t stop eating until I felt like I was dying. If I was able to eat more I´d be a lot heavier than I am. I guess some of my weaknesses are strengths in a way.
"I'd never join a club that would have someone like me as a member.". I know it can be a serious problem, but for me making a joke of it helps a bit.
It´s funny: I think I´ve finally reached a point where I enjoy spending time with people who are similar to me and I definitely value them. Sooo... Maybe there's hope?

I went rubber boot shopping today because I wanted something comfy that would keep my feet dry on the way to work and not make me feel like the clunkiest person alive. Look what I bought!
https://www.aigle.com/eu/at/p/MISS JULIE-3246578237104.html
They're so comfortable and I love how they look. Also: it was an excuse to go shopping and have lunch with a friend and that too was lovely. I may have also bought a super nice raincoat (knee length, as shown here: https://www.unterwegs.biz/derbe-pu-...ol1jwkHfD_Me7v0ZEfIhbmCYJd02H2lsaAs-pEALw_wcB ) and a lovely top made by a local designer.
 

alligatorob

Respected Member
Look what I bought!
I did, they look good. Mine are clunkier, but still keep my feet dry.

IMG_2584 (002).jpg
Maybe there's hope?
Of course there is!
There have been long stretches of time when I wouldn´t stop eating until I felt like I was dying. If I was able to eat more I´d be a lot heavier than I am. I guess some of my weaknesses are strengths in a way.
You should be grateful, in a way. I am easily able to eat 10,000+ calories at a sitting, and still feel ok physically. Could do it right now, in fact I kind of want to. Not a skill to be envied.
 

Llama

Well-known member
I kind of want to sit on the couch and slowly graze my way through a box of chocolates, too. Just to calm myself down after the crowds in town. But I don´t want the side-effects, so I need to find an alternative.
 

Marsia

Well-known member
Also: while I was out walking my brain said that what it wanted from that chocolate it was craving was warmth and safety. Don´t know what that means exactly but it´s been noted.
I think this is wonderful that you are listening to these small voices which are telling you what they really want. I think that is a major, important thing because most of us would not be on this forum unless we weren't substituting food for other underlying needs like feeling safe and warm. I get a little concerned how you refer to getting unhealthy food as binge ammo because I worry that instead of working with yourself and finding out what you really want emotionally, you could be fighting yourself and covering over your feelings with food as a big distraction. For me, it's more that I put other people's needs first as my distraction from taking care of my emotions. Then I overeat to pseudo-nurture myself. But I really need to just pay attention to what I want more and do more things for myself. I guess the common thing is finding what really nurtures us.

I love the new boots and raincoat - really stylish and practical, too!
 

alligatorob

Respected Member
I kind of want to sit on the couch and slowly graze my way through a box of chocolates, too. Just to calm myself down after the crowds in town. But I don´t want the side-effects, so I need to find an alternative.
Sounds good to me, my alternative maybe a shower. Sure would prefer the chocolate...
 

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds good to me, my alternative maybe a shower. Sure would prefer the chocolate...
A bath would probably have been a good one for me. I prefer saving that for the evening though.
I love the new boots and raincoat - really stylish and practical, too!
Thank you!
Do you know how you do it - what works best for you, I mean?
That´s a thing I´d be interested in as well!
I get a little concerned how you refer to getting unhealthy food as binge ammo because I worry that instead of working with yourself and finding out what you really want emotionally, you could be fighting yourself and covering over your feelings with food as a big distraction.
That has been the main theme of every diary I´ve had here. Except food is not a distraction but more of a muffler. I know I do it and I know it´s not good for me - that´s why I work on it. Is there a specific reason why it worries you right now rather than the other times I´ve posted about it?

6 points today. The time in the busy streets really knocked me out even though it was enjoyable. Not used to crowds anymore.
gih 6.5, msh 6, airways 6, mood 8. Ate a fried chicken burger with cajun fries for lunch. Delicious and I stopped once I was full.
 

Marsia

Well-known member
That has been the main theme of every diary I´ve had here. Except food is not a distraction but more of a muffler. I know I do it and I know it´s not good for me - that´s why I work on it. Is there a specific reason why it worries you right now rather than the other times I´ve posted about it?
Yes, I think reading the thing about binge ammo a few times alarmed me. I guess because it sounds like you are going to war with yourself. Also just before this was the first time I've been on the forum where you hadn't been binging for a long while, so I wondered if you had gotten past that while I was away from the forum. Anyway, I still think it's good parts of yourself are telling you what you need instead of chocolate and all that. By food being a muffler, do you mean a way to numb out your feelings? That's what it is for me, I think, a way to numb anxiety. I am feeling optimistic about us all tracking things and maybe adding in some CBT and such though. I just wish I was through my move so I could get more serious about this, but I'll join you all soon.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Ah, of course you were gone for a while and I was probably doing better back then. Now I get it. Yes, I meant that I often use binging to numb uncomfortable feelings. And yes binging sometimes feels like going to war with myself. Y'know, like in Faust:
Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach! in meiner Brust,
Die eine will sich von der andern trennen;
Die eine hält, in derber Liebeslust,
Sich an die Welt mit klammernden Organen;
Die andre hebt gewaltsam sich vom Dust
Zu den Gefilden hoher Ahnen.

I am definitely still actively trying to feel my feelings and work on them though. It's just hard.
 
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