Llama

[cowboy48]

That was a miserable shift. BUT I made it through and didn´t tumble into the grocery store for binge ammo on my way home. Meaning I did not binge today!
7 points for the day, an 8 for gi health, 8 for musculoskeletal health, 6.5 for airways, 5 for mood, had a headache and tomorrow´s massage got cancelled (they overbooked), alternaria spores 2/3 and nothing else. Will get up and prep wraps for tomorrow´s breakfast in a minute. Will probably have dürüm kebab for lunch and make that red lentil stew I was planning for dinner. Can´t remember which puddings are left but I´ll pack a protein pudding and some fruit as well.

Hi LaMa. Great job on not bingeing!! Like I mentioned in Cate's post as well - looks like you have been through some stuff since I was last here. Life sure has it mountains and valleys doesn't it? Protein pudding sounds delicious and healthy as well. A good combination.

 

[Cate]

So I have to be strict with myself again, but this time without losing the compassion and kindness. Tall order, but let´s try!

That sounds like a very good idea for us both

 

[Marsia]

Negative feelings as noticed during my walk home from the bank: a sense of futility, vulnerability, and loneliness. Those aren´t real feelings because they´re not in the official list? Then the list isn´t good enough because I don´t currently identify with any of the options on offer.

That's wonderful you are identifying your feelings and being ok with them! That's half the battle for me, pausing to realize what I am feeling instead of half-heartedly trying not to feel bad. Have you ever just free-wrote or journaled while feeling the negative emotions come up? I need to do that more, because it really clarifies why I am feeling like I do so I know what to do or not do about it.

That was a miserable shift. BUT I made it through and didn´t tumble into the grocery store for binge ammo on my way home. Meaning I did not binge today!

That's so wonderful! Take that stressful day with planner I do not like because you don't treat our LaMa as a valuable professional!! (I have decided that my revenge on people who don't treat me well is to become fabulously healthy so I can show how well I ignore their unhelpful-ness!)

Hope you get your massage in soon and that it's really relaxing and wonderful.

 

[Llama]

That sounds like a very good idea for us both

Doesn't it? Will take some practice but trying is better than not trying. It's strange: my parents were both strict and kind but I almost feel like I didn't notice the rules until they hit anger level. And I'm not even sure if that's true or if I just internalized being difficult looking back because I didn't/don't like myself very much. Memories are so unreliable!

Have you ever just free-wrote or journaled while feeling the negative emotions come up

Yup. It tends to help when my brain doesn't stop chasing its own tail.

Take that stressful day with planner I do not like because you don't treat our LaMa as a valuable professional!

That made me smile. Scheduling is hard, especially since two colleagues just quit and one has been off sick for two weeks or so. So I try to be understanding. But it still sucks!

Just got called out of individual therapy unexpectedly to help out with a group again... It's good to know I'm a valuable, flexible employee but right now I'm giggling for (or hopefully ABOUT my) annoyance.

 

[Llama]

Was working with a patient when Planner called out to me over speaker to ask of I could stay for an extra patient at the end of my shift. I wasn't thrilled because exhaustion buuut I've been studiously ignoring the numerous calls for overtime these past three weeks and I don't want to be known as a lazy employee so I said yes - and she immediately asked if I couldn't stay for two. To which I said no (and thought HEEEELL NO!) and I was kind of annoyed at even saying yes to the first. Oh well.

Had kebab for lunch. Very much want to bury myself in sweets right now. But I won't. Because I want to take care of myself and feel better. Do I really want to cook dinner? Nooooo. But I do want to have a decent dinner. Maybe I should get off the couch and go for a walk. Of course that would also make it a lot easier to step into a grocery store for binge ammo... Ok: I'll have a bath right now and relax before deciding anything at all.

Start of my Turkish course got pushed back 2 weeks, by the way. Was supposed to start the day after tomorrow so getting the info today is a bit late. Still: I'm tired and happy about any canceled plans.

 

[Llama]

Ended up having a ready-meal from Hofer (=Aldi´s Austrian cousin) and not getting chocolate. To nobody´s surprise this wasn´t as filling as I wanted it to be despite 24 g of protein and adding extra veggies. So I also had three corn cakes with liver pâté and some pickled peppers. And some fruit. Really I still want to go binge. No: I don´t WANT to but I feel tempted to. Which is basically the same but also completely different. So... Maybe I should go complete my two hours of walking and if I still want to eat after having moved around I´ll have a protein pudding with more fruit. You know what? I´ll take some mango cubes out of the freezer so they´ll be defrosted by the time I come back.

 

[liza]

Was working with a patient when Planner called out to me over speaker to ask of I could stay for an extra patient at the end of my shift. I wasn't thrilled because exhaustion buuut I've been studiously ignoring the numerous calls for overtime these past three weeks and I don't want to be known as a lazy employee so I said yes - and she immediately asked if I couldn't stay for two. To which I said no (and thought HEEEELL NO!) and I was kind of annoyed at even saying yes to the first. Oh well.

That's really too bad about the shortage of workers and then it falling on you to fill in when you don't feel up for it. I feel like I'm hearing about so much of that these days. I guess with the pandemic it really makes it all worse on so many levels--people needing to be extra careful when they are sick, the stress and anxiety and depression of so many going way up...it's hard times all around I think...

I admire your determination to keep to a healthy life plan despite all the stressors. It's hard to not turn to easy quick fixes to feel better even when we know that in the long run it will make it worse.

Sending you a hug

 

[Llama]

It's hard to not turn to easy quick fixes to feel better even when we know that in the long run it will make it worse.

Definitely. I´m sick and tired of being sick and tired but I´m still tempted to take the short-term fix with the long-term penalties.

I was a couple hundred meters away from my apartment when I realized it´s Tuesday and almost time to call my dad so I went back home and paced my apartment while chatting with my dad for an hour. Giving myself a point for the walking regardless. And a bonus point for saying know to another extra patient. My game, my rules! That´s 6 points for today. 8 for gih, 7.5 for msh, 7 for airways, 6.5 for mood. Still 2/3 warning for alternaria spores. Nothing special other than a strong Föhn. 5 mg of desloratadin twice (only had one yesterday). Maybe I should add a score for energy levels; I´m kind of taking it into mood right now though and I´m not sure if I can reliably differentiate between the two, especially when my period is coming up.

 

[Cate]

There is so much pressure on staff these days to go way over & beyond. Kudos to you, LaMa for accepting just that one extra patient even though you felt stuffed, but saying no to the second. It's a slippery slope. Well done finding strategies to resist the binge urges. I do feel that we are all slowly getting back on track. Maybe having Rob back is helping with our equilibrium. We may have to send out some vibes to a few more of "the old gang".

 

[alligatorob]

Hey LaMa, I read back a ways and it does look like you have stopped bingeing! Still struggling, but good for now. Hope I am right!

I´m sick and tired of being sick and tired but I´m still tempted to take the short-term fix with the long-term penalties.

Really well put, I can relate to this 100%. I get cravings and want food so bad, not hunger pangs, just cravings. I know it would be so easy to fix by just bingeing, maybe a little at first but it rarely stops at a little. For a few minutes I would feel better, but long term I gain weight and just want to do it again sooner!

Good to see you fighting the good fight!

 

[toodamtall]

Really I still want to go binge. No: I don´t WANT to but I feel tempted to. Which is basically the same but also completely different.

Chuckled a bit at this, because it is very relatable.

 

[Llama]

Thanks Cate. It does feel more doable when we're all pulling in the same direction.

I read back a ways and it does look like you have stopped bingeing!

Sadly no, the past 4 weeks have been bad. As of this morning I'm 10.2 kg up from my lowest weight. (But still 11.4 kg down from my highest; that's 25 lbs!)

Chuckled a bit at this, because it is very relatable.

🙈 Not that I want other people to struggle but it does make me feel less like an out of control weirdo when other people can relate.

So... 80.4 kg and 35.1 % bodyfat this morning. I'd say that's most of the water weight gone but with pms coming on who knows. Autumn has hit over night. Didn't sleep too well but in the end I woke up two hours later than normal so I guess I got enough sleep regardless.

 

[alligatorob]

Oh, forgot to say congrats on not regaining all of your lost weight. Not something I have often been able to do, most of my post diet binge fests have ended in a new high...

Doesn't seem fair how much easier weight gain is than weight loss.... In fact I don't believe it is fair!

 

[Llama]

Oh, forgot to say congrats on not regaining all of your lost weight. Not something I have often been able to do, most of my post diet binge fests have ended in a new high...

Thank you! It doesn´t feel like an accomplishment but if you put it like that I should pat myself on the back now and then. I think that high weight was from summer 2017.

Doesn't seem fair how much easier weight gain is than weight loss.... In fact I don't believe it is fair!

My memory isn´t the best but I can´t recall the word "fair" from biology class OR from my PT courses...

6 points today, gih 8, airways 7, msh 8, mood 7.5, no notable pollen.

 

[Emilyrose]

It seems like it's been a bit up and down for you the last while, but mood at 7.5 is pretty good I'd say!

Glad you've managed to overcome the binge feelings the last few days. I always find the latter part of the week easier to navigate, hope you have a good day tomorrow. You're a lovely person LaMa.

 

[alligatorob]

It doesn´t feel like an accomplishment but if you put it like that I should pat myself on the back now and then. I think that high weight was from summer 2017.

You probably should. Left unchecked I think bingeing could well have lead you to 300+ pounds, as it did me. You have done a lot better!

I can´t recall the word "fair" from biology class OR from my PT courses...

What!! And here I have always thought Mother Nature was about "Truth, Justice, and the American Way"... Or was that the original Superman?

 

[liza]

6 points today, gih 8, airways 7, msh 8, mood 7.5, no notable pollen.

I like seeing the numbers ratings--looks pretty good on average. i always have such a problem putting a number to my moods, especially trying to generalize it into one day. I've been doing my best with it and have divided it up into sections of day which helps some, as it is common for me to have a super high anxiety morning and then a calm restful evening. (or vice versa) Do you find your mood is steady throughout the day or is that number an average of the ups and downs?

 

[Llama]

Thank you Emily, that means a lot

Left unchecked I think bingeing could well have lead you to 300+ pounds, as it did me. You have done a lot better!

Very likely, and the thought is scary as hell. One of my aunts is well on her way there and I feel so bad for her.

Or was that the original Superman?

Oh dear, I don´t think I´ve ever seen that before Superman clearly skipped leg day 🤔 But I guess it´s easy to leap over tall buildings in a single bound if you can fly... I grew up watching Sesame Street and at the time the bird/plane/Super... was fully and originally associated with Super Grover for me 🙈 That´s what you get when you´re the 3-y/o kid of parents who don´t have time to watch tv or movies and didn´t grow up having a tv 🤷‍♀️

I like seeing the numbers ratings--looks pretty good on average. i always have such a problem putting a number to my moods, especially trying to generalize it into one day. I've been doing my best with it and have divided it up into sections of day which helps some, as it is common for me to have a super high anxiety morning and then a calm restful evening. (or vice versa) Do you find your mood is steady throughout the day or is that number an average of the ups and downs?

My mood tends to be better by the end of the day after sitting on the couch recuperating for a while and I´m sure my scores reflect that. I expect my scoring to change over time but that´s ok: I have to start somewhere. I´ve thought about divvying up the day but that´d make it feel like too big of a project for me.

Not doing great on point today so far. Only got 3. But then again: I could easily push that up to the required minimum. Will I do so? Stay tuned to find out! I really want to binge right now. I´m sure it´s mostly pms but the thought of chocolate is overwhelming. I should probably go for a walk to put my brain right. Speaking of which: it´s been raining all day and one of my patients came in wearing really cool boots. I complimented her on them and she showed them off: they were proper rubber boots! But made comfortable and pretty! I wanted to go out and visit the store right after work but I was too tired and too hungry. Will try to go tomorrow. And now I will give myself a yank - I know that´s not English but it works in German: ich werde mir einen Ruck geben. Maybe yank myself into action? It reflects that the call to action doesn´t come from inside but you´re forcing yourself to get active regardless. So... Ich werde mir einen Ruck geben and I will go for a walk. Then have a bath. Air the place properly while the tub is filling up. Prep breakfast. God I feel tired just listing all the tiny things I still need to do. So let´s stick with that walk for now.

To quote Proverbs:
I am weary, O God,
I am weary and worn out, O God,
I am too stupid to be human,
and I lack common sense.
I have not mastered human wisdom,
nor do I know when to stop eating chocolate.

Ok, that last line may have been edited a little bit. But yeah: you know things are bad when I come out with bible verses.

 

[Llama]

6 points. Much better. If I can find silver and bronze stars I might make 4 stars a bronze day, 6 a silver day, and 8 a gold one? That way gold would feel like a real accomplishment. Also: while I was out walking my brain said that what it wanted from that chocolate it was craving was warmth and safety. Don´t know what that means exactly but it´s been noted.

gih 7, airways 7, msh 7, mood 6, no pollen. Took antihistamine twice (let´s just assume I take it twice a day unless I say otherwise).

 

[alligatorob]

nor do I know when to stop eating chocolate.

Ok, that last line may have been edited a little bit

Should have been written this way originally. If the ancient Hebrews had chocolate it probably would have been!

while I was out walking my brain said that what it wanted from that chocolate it was craving was warmth and safety

Sounds reasonable to me, my brain will tell me anything it thinks can trick me into a binge... For now I am eating no chocolate, I hope.

Much better

Glad to hear it!