Fiera's Diary

There is an undercurrent I am hoping I will understand. I feel off balance and like an opportunity is being missed. I really hoped that the fine weather would get us out on our bikes. Proggy didn't bring his up in spite of my urging. In the end it was too much trouble. He did pump up the tires on my bike and the new doggie stroller. There is a problem with my front brake. Now we have to tackle my decades old hitch mounted rack if I want to take the dogs and my bike down and ride by him. With L, it would have simply all been done and figured out. Not that I am comparing the two of them. It's just more realizing what I want/need in a life partner as I speed through the last active years of my life.

Meantime, I appreciate Proggy's companionship. We had a pretty relaxed weekend. Yesterday we took an easy stroll in the forest preserve then took the dogs to a barbeque shack and had a little family picnic. It was KDog's belated birthday treat since I could not take her a month ago when I was still recovering from cracked ribs. We came home after and everyone took a nap except me. We watched an exciting hockey game and then Proggy rinsed the dust off my SUV and inflated the bike tires. So he did try to be helpful. I swept out the garage. Larger projects remained untouched. We both seemed a bit out of sorts. Later we went for a little drive then ended up at F-Garage on the patio, where it had grown chilly as the sun went down. Picked up some Mexican. Back home, food tv and sleep. I was conked out on the recliner before 10 I think. Not much of a napper.

I am not a prayer either but I find myself this morning throwing myself upon the mercy of the Universe, praying for some divine inspiration, some energy to get back to really living life instead of just passing time. I have been tired, it is true, and I feel the benefits of getting a good nights' sleep. Maybe the Universe wanted me to have a few days of rest at home, a staycation. It just feels like my own inability to plan and execute is amplified by Proggy's. We have been talking about a July 4 getaway which has been complicated by Proggy's inability to decide which days to take off...which is in part stemming from uncertainty and layoffs at his job. Finally he just decided we should pick a different weekend. On my end, to be fair, the addition of NDog makes everything more complicated too. Do we board the dogs or bring them along? Do we break them up or do I see if the usual sitter will take NDog...but then she has a shorter fence so...don't know, Yeah, I have introduced more complications myself. NDog though can maybe go to his preceding foster for a short weekend, they liked him. I can figure it out.

Meanwhile, my friendships are languishing, and I think of Irish friend waiting for me to come visit. I need to get the calendar out and figure this stuff out.
 
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Well, Proggy and I went to sit in W Park and listened to jazz and he played guitar along. The dogs were with. It was pleasant. Having two dogs is really harder. This is on me. The house seems fuller but the getting out is harder. Next weekend we go to the hometown. I suppose if I wasn't so overweight and was in shape things would be easier. Moving like a slug. We had shrimp and tapas and brats on the grill. Fauxritas which we didn't finish. We dozed off after. I washed a few windows and screens. Both listless. Bike shop was not open. Garage opener not working right. He went home. Will watch tv or read tonight. Maybe the solitude will help. Maybe not. I feel anti-social. Oh well.
 
Yay. A sense of calm quiet is back this morning. The sun is back (it was mostly cloudy yesterday, though pleasant). Enjoying matcha on the couch while the sunlight streams in, not hot yet at 7AM.

NDog is a living breathing alarm clock. 6AM potty (actually about 5:45 this morning, following the sun cycle I think). 7AM brekkie. He is a picky eater, so that is when I put his food down, he walks away from it, I add a little something, he eats a little. When KDog gets up she will try to eat from his bowl and I will take it up. Neither one of them eats much in the morning. Supper time is a different story.

Having two dogs which don't eat reliably on cue can be a time suck. I am trying to teach NDog that you snooze you lose. He is trying to teach me not to add Ocarrots to his food, and add some canned stuff instead. I need to ask Pixy if I can try a different kibble. Boarding becomes trickier when your pups need meal coddling and I want to get NDog on some kind of auto pilot.

My body gently aches and is tight all over, no doubt from the dietary indiscretions of the weekend. Today I have the opportunity to set things right by light and careful eating. Eggs perhaps, salad, some nice Amish chicken breasts I picked up yesterday, maybe a little oatmeal. No dairy, low salt, no coffee, It makes a huge difference. I wasn't ready to start the 5day FMD with a visit to the hometown coming up Sat. I will start next Sun or Mon I think.

The To-Do list for today is a mile long. I don't need to look at it for another hour at least. I checked my portfolio balance for the first time in a while, and it has come back a little bit, though I am not comfortable that I really get what the manager is doing with it. It seems like I have lost a lot of ground in the last year. If I had bought a new home before prices went up I might have seen a lot of appreciation. Yet, I know that I have enough to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. It makes me uncomfortable that I am not keeping up with inflation. Yet, that is a future concern which may not materialize. I have never counted on getting anything from my dad's estate, and that possibility still exists, esp if Peaches is going to get nasty at some point. I can't worry about it any more and I don't, generally. My QOL is dependent so much more on how I feel in the today.

Well, the dogs and I had a little play romp in the yard, which was fun. NDog is getting more comfortable and playful. Then no one wanted to eat much and the bowls are up. I will take a walk with them early, around 8:30, before the heat really kicks in.

Bunch of rando comments this morning. It feels like it has been ages since I really contemplated, more than in a surface way. I get it. I used to live a life of adventure and now I am a blob on a couch. Uninspired. Unfluttered. Unshaken. And yet, the stability is definitely much better. Emotionally I am avoiding the depths of desapir and angst which either relationships or existential crises (incl workplace) gave rise to. Maybe this steadying is simply part of a larger picture; rebuilding my platform from which I will live the rest of my life. Older, wiser, slower, quieter. Is this a function of age, or is it a function of giving up partying and booze?

CB caught me off guard and rather irritated me on Friday. She suggested in not so many words that if I have spent the majority of my adulthood overweight that perhaps through genetics and organically, I really am a fat person and I need to just accept that. Well, I am not. I have no need to be skinny. But I have spent plenty of time being fit and active. It's not so much a number on the scale. But how the clothes fit, or even reliably being able to pack for a trip knowing things will fit for example. It's being physically capable. Ugh, I don't know why I am going on about it. If it was important to me, I'd be doing something about it, right? Maybe that is what she is saying...poorly...that maybe it is just not a priority, But then that means that food and indulgence IS a priority, And why is that? Because it is comfort? Because it is easy? Every time I do the 5Day it is so noticeable how much easier life is when you have all the nutrition you need every day in a box. No snacks in the cabinets, no containers of leftovers in the fridge. It frees up physical and mental space to do things like read and relax.

Yeah. It all comes back to clutter and clarity.
 
Got some things done this morning. Fixed the garage door issues without the repair guy coming out, saved a chunk. Renewed my car plate before it expired. Just chipping away a little. Making some poached eggs now for late breakfast. It feels good to rest though I did text SB about taking a walk before it gets much warmer. No reply, so I may reach out to Nellie instead.

I think my anxiety has been up. Not bad, but undercurrents. I haven't been taking my supplements the past week, and I have been drinking coffee and too many inflammatory foods. Plus, some stress from Proggy weekend and my own shi tshow bubbling under. Grateful to be back in a quieter place now.

Nellie has also declined, offering up a couple of reasons. I also need to sit down and answer her text from last week. Which reminds me I need to send thank yous to the vet techs as well.
 
I took care of an outstanding request from Nellie, which took almost 2 hours between first making notes and then talking on the phone. Prior, sent the thank you notes to the vet techs and solicited feedback. Added a few more to do's to the list, Somehow in the middle of things today I reminded about an internally referre candidate I had for a job opening. I had heard that he had children with behavioral issues which were so severe they were featured on a tv program. At the time I thought, what kind of professional person puts their personal problems, parenting, let alone their minor children, on a tv show for everyone to see? What does that say about their priority of their job and career, or their judgement or how they see themselves? In our image conscious firm it never would have worked; out of respect for the candidate, I never actually watched it. But I did today, out of curiosity. I felt sorry for every person in that family, and I wonder how thing went months and years after the reset that was received. I appreciated how the show was informative and instructive. But I certainly was right that it would have been a problem to hire that guy. I can't go into details but he sure as heck would have been a push over in a role which required a strong backbone. Nice fella.

The adult daughter(s) have come over to use the pool next door. It has been 10 minutes of ranting about a contractor where every word can be distinctly heard, while the replies are much quieter. I imagine she would lower the volume if she realized I can hear everything. Unusual, so nothing to get irritated with, I am sure it will soon pass.

Ah, they just turned on the radio. 80's soft rock. Anyway that covers up the talk and that was what was missing.

There also is the sound of a lot of children this Spring. My area has become a somewhat well regarded place for young two-income middle class couples to raise a family. Cheaper than the mega neighborhoods around, and with big older trees and some older residences with charm that have been seeing renewal. Park with facilities and baseball. Dogs and gardens and yards. Close enough to the city to go do things, far enough away to have parking, quiet, and low crime. When I first moved here everyone was in their 60' and 70's. A neighborhood turns over if you stay long enough. So many people don't have that experience. House I looked at last week was in the family for almost 30 years. I'm at 25 myself. I have roots. In my starter house lol.

I miss L.

There was a moment in that episode where the eldest daughter declined her mom's gesture of affection, and it was brought out that she had emotional walls up and physically did not want to be touched. She was encouraged to bring the walls down just a little bit at a time, just in response to small gestures in kind and to try to promote change and openness. Those walls. I know those walls. The walls that fell to the ground the moment L died, The walls which make it impossible for me to even think about actually having contact with AN. Or W. Or other people. Those walls come from a place of deep hurt. They are heavy and they affect who you are and how you react to a lot of things. The walls which make it impossible to feel your body.

I felt a flash just now of hating people. Maybe not hating people so much as hating this life, those expectations, trying to fit into a society which doesn't value my qualities. I can't be everything and yet somehow I still let myself be buffeted about by other people's expectations and needs. I want just for 5 minutes to shut my eyes and be youmg with L again, before life effed us up.
 
Tuesday eve. Just got back from a visit to urgent care for 3 stitches to my palm. I was washing kitchen knives and got lost in thought about concrete and the neighbor. Not sure what to do with that situation. But another preventable accident. I feel like it keeps happening lately. Really it's nothing more than a failure to remain present and aware. I was not like this when I was younger. It's anxiety, and maybe a bit of depression too. Meditation and journaling may help clear my mind.

Overall I felt better today. I ate cleaner. I got some things done and some new ideas for the "rescue center" in the basement. I rearranged a few things I set up the little pool for NDog in the yard. The water was too cold for his foot, so maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday watched an exciting hockey game of my Dad's team, advancing to the finals. Two more weeks of hockey, wrapping up before my dad's bday party. Then the party, then dinner on his actual BDay. So June is for Dad, muchly, and then July has to be for me.

I am actually really blessed that this week is not full of appointments. The pleasure of spending time each day working on little projects and getting caught up bit by bit is chicken soup for the soul. I can't understand why there is this little urge to drink. I have all the reasons NOT to, and being a responsible and reliable person for the rescue community and adopters is a big reason. I don't want to backslide. But it seems like my emotional state is getting me in other ways.

Well, it's a quiet evening ahead and I am grateful for it.
 
Yesterday I was confused all day about the day of the week, due to the holiday. It was actually Wednesday, I see I got it wrong in my post last eve. So it is Thursday. I am in slow motion but I partially clean up the kitchen and took the dogs out and fed them. Well, I put their food down. Neither one of them is in any hurry to eat and the policing as they check out whether the other one has a tastier meal is getting old. If they don't eat quickly the food gets picked up. If I don't pick it up they are just waiting for me to get distracted and go downstairs and do laundry or something. Gah. They are both stubborn.

Hand is an inconvenience but doesn't bother me much otherwise. The young PA at the urgent care was pleased with his suturing. I haven't had many stitches in my life but I have certainly seen them on many dogs and these are spaced far too far apart. But what are you gonna do, he is young and doesn't have years of practice. At least he was there when I needed help and I didn't have to go to the hospital. It will just take a lot longer to heal and be harder to keep clean. He was a pleasant young man.

Speaking of urgent care, since when do you have to have an appointment? It seems more and more like they are running like community based primary care clinics rather than urgent care. Luckily they were not busy and I only had about a 30 minute wait for a time slot...during which time I dashed back home and put NDog in his crate.

The A/C has been on for a day or two now. It is not so hot but the humidity kicked up and we had thunderheads move through yesterday which produced no rain. The soil is in desperately dry and I am growing a bit worried about the crops now. It has been at least 10 days of dry and sunny. Hopefully other parts of the country are faring OK.

I need a shower badly. Actually I would love a soak in the tub but have been uneasy with loading the tub full of water until I can get an inspection. Maybe I will just put on a swimsuit and use the doggie pool I set up yesterday in the yard. I need to keep my hand dry so figuring rubber dish glove and hairband at the opening.

Reminds me of one of my favorite dance songs PTP - Rubber Glove Seduction. Ha. I just played it and NDog's head tilts to the opening barklike sounds was cute.

Whelp, I'm stalling now.

I started the book Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance last night. Pixy had mentioned it a couple of months back so I bought it and had it sitting here. It is fantasy which is not really my jam, but I ended up loving the Harry P series so I will press on. It's an easy read at least and will go quickly, and then I can leave it in the free library on the next block.

Yesterday morning when I was rearranging the basement (seems forever ago, when I had a functioning dominant hand) I approach both the totes of CD's and my grad school materials with an eye to do something with them and create space. Neither one of them budged. With the CD's it was more a sense of keeping them and going through to see which ones I might need to re-burn, or as a backup, which is just silly consider I don't regularly listen to music these days and when I do I tend to use the premium streaming service. Would I really miss the physical discs? Probably not. The grad school materials I had a more concrete experience with. As I opened business cases and exams, and saw notes in my handwriting, it brought back not only learnings and memories, but this distinct sense of I was - and still am - that person. Just like hanging on to the CD's - and the records and guitars and keyboard I rarely play - bring forth real, visceral memories of the person I am/have been/was. It's perfectly OK and even normal for us to evolve as we go through life, adding and subtracting people and interests. I have the dog rescue in my current chapter. Yet I had such a much cooler and interesting life musically and socially when I was younger. Am I hanging on to who I was, or am I hanging on to who I still am?

AM I HANGING ON TO WHO I WAS OR AM I HANGING ON TO WHO I STILL AM?

That is a fantastic question. Am I in Depression or Evolution?
 
[Just had a shower/shampoo it was great! Rubber glove and hair band and being mindful. Skipped legs shave. Got the wound changed and redressed but need larger bandages. Also, some bleeding, probably due to stitching being inadequate.]

Before the divorce, the last years, I had settled down into reading every Jane Austen book and obtaining and reading her obscure writings, as well as watching various movie and mini series adaptations. I branched out to an online friend whose mom taught literature in England and branched into Anthony Trollope. And Jane Eyre by Bronte. Hours and hours and hours. It was not only a phase. It was a manifestation of me in which life had become very inward focused, L and I were inactive and went out to eat a lot. We enjoyed the weekend place and our pups, and we still saw friends and family. But toward the end you can see it happening. I was turning inward, self soothing, putting on weight, being inactive. My mom had passed. We were approaching mid life. And something was dragging. L was unable to find a job/path he could stay in. I grew disenchanted and resentful and lost respect for my partner. And of course my own job stress and the bully at work. And I filled my time - whenever I had alone time, which he did give me - with Jane Austen. I loved reading and I loved movies, but it was also sedentary and inward directed. And of course that is also when I first started journaling.

Nowadays, it's old movies (Proggy), the pups (both not terribly mobile), daily word game..and even the daily long phone calls with Proggy which I now recognize I have allowed to resume (last night I just cut it short though). Just an awareness. Maybe it's depression. But maybe it's just natural. I believe there are cycles in life, ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys, though whether that is just me and my own personal chemistry I can't say. This life certainly is not clear cut and isn't it a shame all the time some of us spend trying to figure it out?
 
Post shower weight was 179.9. Well, I ate healthy yesterday. I am out of salad greens but cooked up some spinach yesterday. Have turkey burger patties I also made, and chicken breasts to go on the grill. There were too many crackers in the house and I was eating those with cheese and peanut butter. I also ate a chocolate cookie from the downstairs freezer. Making healthy choices is so much easier when I have prepared good and green stuff and I don't have junk in the house.

Getting a bit hungry now, so will have a turkey burger on thin bread. I'll read to beat the heat and rest up some more. I like relaxing. I am starting to get a groove on with it,
 
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