Fiera's Diary

[Fiera]

you went and had fun instead of letting the weight get you down and consoling yourself with food and that's what counts.

Yes! Thank you for reminding me... it popped into mind that late night sliders would be fun after the show but I was able to redirect that thought and go home. I waited until after midnight to have a late snack so I could count it in today's tally as breakfast. It's a victory every time I practice restraint. I am excited as I think the meds are giving me a fighting chance.

 

[Fiera]

Day 4
B: 6 Triscuits and Swiss = 220
L: 1/2 ramen bowl (185) + pbj (450) = 635
D: Salad (85) roast bf rollupx2 (275)= 360
Evening BINGE: 980
Total: 1195 2175
Activity: 1DW (-60)
NET: 1130 2115
Meds/Supps: 9:30A; 4:45P
Sleep: 12:30-5-9 8+hours

 

[Fiera]

Talked with Bubbly Curly today about my relationship with Proggy and also about dynamics between my Dad and brother. In both cases the theme came up on why are you putting your concern for someone else's happiness and well being ahead of your own needs? Good point, But I was caught a little off guard as I found myself tearing up over a dynamic between my Dad and brother and acknowledging that I have been trying to hold together some kind of family unit and I need to let it go.

I do need to proactively consider how to handle my visit to FL. Historically Dad and I would take a day drive over and visit my brother (2h each way). But my dad just wants to eat lunch and then leave right away, to the point that last time I choked up as we were leaving about not getting more time w my brother after not seeing him for ages. It felt so dumb and wrong. And then the pandemic came. And my brother has been communicating very little. I guess I will noodle on it and call him.

 

[Fiera]

I need to explore what happened last night. I was in astonishment as I took my 2nd dose of medication pretty late (4:30) and kind of expected to have an easier evening.

Dinner itself was ok. But an hour or two later I was on a serious binge. It started w a little dark chocolate. Then, trying have a limited calorie snack I made popcorn (with a lot of salt). The another roast beef roll up - thinking perhaps PMS and beef/protein. Then came glob of peanut butter and more dark chocolate. Then another. Then a brie cheese bite. Finally that seemed to be the end of it. There was a definitive shift where the compulsion shut off and I was free and normal. I am guessing that spree took place over an hour and a half? I will try to make more detailed observations when it happens again. I want to pinpoint the psychological moments when I actually lose control and when I actually give up the desire to fight it. And also whether there is a typical duration.

What was the trigger? I don't know. Did I not have enough calories? Was I bored, sitting at home by myself, watching tv? Was it emotionally triggered by thoughts around my dad, his girlfriend, my brother? My dissatisfaction with the long repetitive conversation with Proggy? Or something harder to pinpoint, like hormones? I am at that age where I have no real idea when I will get a period, though I do presently feel bloated.

I am not proud of myself but I am still here and accountable, and hoping to figure this out.

 

[Fiera]

Day 5:
B: 10:15 Sbucks feta/sp/ew wrap = 290
L: 12:30 TJ Veg lasagna (220) turkey (80) = 300
D: 6:10 Ctg Chs (110) Soup Beef Tips/Veg (220) + Fake Red (40) = 370
Snack 9P: Banana (105) cin-r bread (100) = 205
Total: 1165
Activity: 1.33DW -80 2.5H leaves -250 = -330
Net: 835
M/S: 8:15A 1:30P
Sleep: 10-1:15; 3:30-7:30 7+H

First whiff of a brain-craving 1:30, 1 hour after lunch, decided to take m/s #2.
As of 4:30 finished 2.5H yard work, coming inside to rest, not hungry yet
6P not feeling hunger but made dinner to sort of head it off, esp. since NET at 260
Worried that the low NET will set off a binge later esp. w no evening med: Time to observe very carefully.
7:15P Have been noticing little wisps come and go - sprites flitting through my mind quicker than I can see them - of thoughts to go browse and get something else to eat. I am still full from 2 cups of soup and cottage cheese, my tummy feels fine. This is about 5 1/2 hours after last meds which is roughly the same interval after meds as before. So this may be what happens when the med diminishes...my body is having a bit of withdrawal from the usual see-food diet, but I only notice it when the med is working its way out of my system.
9P Had snack banana + cinnamon raisin bread. I didnt feel tummy hunger and I don't think it was cravings. I found my thoughts frequently returning to food and an uneasiness about my low net calories for the day (630 at that point). I am not sure why I felt like I should have a snack instead of seeing what would happen, almost like a fear/discomfort of feeling an empty tummy, But why? Is that a food scarcity fear, a fear of feeling hungry, a fear of setting off a binge? The more I really pay attention, the more I am going to figure this out. But the good news is I probably could have stuck the "landing" last night without it; no real compulsive urges. Is that because I exercised, the composition of my meals, the fact that I got my mind off my troubles by raking leaves?? Also noting I woke up next morning without urges or hunger or moodiness. According to the period tracker I was on day 49 yesterday so this is quite in my range for PMS if I skipped a cycle (24 days was common). Keep paying attention!
Also, when I had that evening snack, it was like I assumed I had cart blanche to eat whatever I wanted until I felt full before bed, rather than having a snack. This i am sure is just a bad habit, but I had to stop myself in my tracks after I had already grabbed the banaba and raisin bread and was thinking in to the veggie lasagna - which I then told myself was available if you feel hungry - which I hadn't in the first place. Sneaky little devil, this Food Troll.

 

[Llama]

I am not proud of myself but I am still here and accountable, and hoping to figure this out.

That´s the main thing. I was watching a Youtube video earlier and the guy said (I´m paraphrasing): If you fall off the wagon, don´t give up. Don´t think you can´t catch up. You´re the driver! When you fall off the wagon stops. Get back on and keep heading in the right direction. Just don´t get in front of your wagon and start pushing it backwards.

I like that you´re trying to figure out WHY the binges happen. I definitely don´t have all the answers (which is why the scale was at 82.4 kg this morning...) but understanding our bodies has to make a difference.

 

[Fiera]

Thanks LaMaria for the encouragement!

Well, this morning I was a bit melancholy, thinking further about topics which came up yesterday. But in keeping with getting right back in there, I went to packet pickup for the turkey trot on Thursday. This is the first time I am going to it with zero training/fitness, but I figured that walking it would give me a sense of accomplishment as well as keeping a tradition which is important to me. I figured we would get up to an hour for the windy-hilly course as I have seen families walking in the past, and I thought that I could do that. When I asked at the pickup and was told 45 minutes, my spirit dropped. That is out of reach for me right now. I get it, I really do, I wouldn't want to ask volunteers to freeze their butts off indefinitely for people who can't manage a 15 minute mile, there has to be a cutoff, esp are holiday when people have places to be. I agree with it.

But back in my car the sadness enveloped me. I have fallen so far, and it is affecting everything. I signed up for this 5K 6 weeks ago hoping it would kick start me back to exercising daily, but didn't do it. I did seek help realizing that I wasn't able to get myself out of this depression. But I feel like I am fundamentally blocked....self sabotaging, or not wanting to put in the effort. Every day I am overwhelmed with stuff to do and I am too cold, too tired, whatever the excuse. Why don't I love myself enough to overcome all this?

So anyway, I shed some tears, then I went for a walk with KDog in a cute little affluent town with lots of boutique shops. There were tears last night as well. All of this stuff seems more present; whether thats PMS or meds or therapy or journaling or all of it I don't know. But I would rather have thoughts and feelings, even sad ones, rather than being numb like I have been for so long.

 

[Llama]

Why don't I love myself enough to overcome all this?

I think you answer that question here:

But I would rather have thoughts and feelings, even sad ones, rather than being numb like I have been for so long.

Anxiety and depression SUCK and they make things HARD. When your brain chemistry is off that´s just as difficult as when your body is ailing. Yet you´re still doing it. You´ve started back up, you´re taking your meds and giving your body better nutrition. Could you walk that turkey trot outside of competition? Same route but later/earlier in the day perhaps? Is there a small step toward getting running again that doesn´t feel daunting right now? Putting on running gear and running 100 m on each dog walk perhaps? Or maybe even just some stretching after your walk? Doesn´t matter how small the first step is, as long as you keep going. You can do this. Your brain may tell you you can´t - because that´s what depression tells us - but you really can. Here´s a hug in case you need one

 

[Cate]

with LaMa & a hug from me too

 

[Fiera]

Wow, you gals are awesome. Thank you LaMa and Cate for the hugs today...and for hearing me and understanding. I appreciate your support! It really does help.

LaMa, you gave me some good suggestions. I think what I will do at the TT is (a) see if I can pair up with someone else who is walking it and maybe make a new friend or (b) check the course map for a place I can shorten it up to finish in the allotted time (I would not cross the finish line, I don't cheat), The important thing for me is to enjoy the spirit, the excitement, and the exercise and I am not at all looking at it competitively. I don't want to be out there solo on the course after the roads reopen as there are no sidewalks and no shoulder. I just want to go have some festive cheer and burn some calories so I can enjoy my turkey and stuffing. If I only do 2.5 miles it doesn't matter this time.

And YES on the running a tiny bit with my dog on her walks....I occasionally trot a little with her but I haven't been taking a structured approach to it. However (lightbulb going on) Coach BB used to have beginners jog 1 minute and walk 9 over and over for an hour...then next week jog 2 minutes and walk 8, etc and work your way up over time. I really have to take it easy as my knees are at risk with all this extra weight, but I think I can *probably* do one full minute at a time. I will have to time it and see.

I got a boost from the sun coming out and doing about 2.5 of leaf duty in the yard. It got my mind off stuff and was a type of exercise I enjoy. Feeling much better.

 

[Llama]

Awesome! Don't overdo it at first but keep at it.

 

[Fiera]

Day 6 Sunday
Brunch: Cafe breakfast sandwich = 600 10A
D: Veg lasagna (220) 0.5brd+btr (100) chix ssg (110) = 430 5P
Eve Snack: PB+banana =200 6:30
Snack #2: Chix ssg+ ketchup (150); triscuit+brie (170j= 320 8:15
Snack #3: Veg lasagna (200), dark chocolate (100) = 300 9 :15P
Total: 1850
Activity 1dw (60), 2.5h yard/maint light (150) = -210
NET: 1640
M/S 8:30A, 2P
Sleep: 10:30-7 = 8.5 (slight wake-up, no donut hole)

5P same concern as yest re low Net. If meds pattern holds I will start to notice around 7:30. Planning ahead, I think a 200 calorie snack would be ok. Banana or apple with peanut butter or honey perhaps. Important thing is to not let into a binge.
6:30 Pre-emptive snack of PB/banana. I wasn't tummy-hungry but my mind kept turning to "snack". Since I had one planned I went ahead, and now I have to hold tight for the rest of the eve. Breaking that snack-binge pattern is a must! Hopefully the brain will shut off now.
8P I can't stop having brain sprites about food, having a snack. Not hungry. I can probably justify it based on it being a 2nd lowish Net day in a row, but really if the body isn't hungry and the tummy isn't rumbling, then isnt this all in my head?
8:15P Caved. Other chix sausage/ketchup. Then straight into brie bite/triscuits and mid snack the craving shut off. Temporarily it turns out.
9:00 Kept going. Feel entirely finished now.

 

[Fiera]

I am excited that I feel pretty good this morning. Slept well. Feel mentally clearer and more relaxed and calm. I suppose this latest (last?) few days of decent weather before the polar plunge has been helpful. My biggest concern about the impending winter is that the house seems to be leaking like crazy. I said I wasn't going to spend another winter in that condition after last year...and yet here I am. But that's a saga in itself that I don't want to spend time on right now. I will just note that I still am having an extraordinary time taking action - even small ones like adding caulk - because there is a mental block and also because physically it is hard for me to do it.

So this morning I am considering to what extent my lack of mental clarity, anxiety, depression etc are a result of (not caused by) my eating and exercise habits. I had been struggling with the depression and anxiety for years, but I always coped with things a lot better when I was active and fit. It was a certain self-confidence yes, but maybe there is a lot more going on biochemically. Like the gut-brain biome. The Vagus Nerve. Or endorphins/runners high. I have been on and off antidepressant so many times I am not clear on the role it plays. I do not think it's the only or even primary factor; but it is an enabler.

I was starting to look for evidence in my history but I stopped myself. It's a clear morning and I think I would like to use this clarity to think ahead and savor the moment.

 

[Llama]

For me eating well, exercising and feeling well are definitely intertwined. When I´m anxious or depressed it´s so much harder to initiate the actions that would help the episode pass more quickly. Of course exercise and good food alone aren´t enough to "cure" deep depression but they usually at least help with lighter cases (ianad: always talk to your doctor or therapist about your specific situation). Same with fresh air and daylight. And often when I to start making small changes for the better it´s hard at first but it slowly gets easier to keep things going. Whatever it is: I´m glad you´re feeling better today!

 

[Fiera]

Went to the pottery school this morning to look for 2 pieces from the last week of class Monday. One should have come out of glaze and one should have come out of kiln (bisque). I looked for 20 mins but my dog was out front in the SUV waiting for our walk. I don't like leaving her in the car even in a nice neighborhood because you just never know who might decide to steal your dog. So I gave up, went and got coffee and breakfast sandwich from the (hub and spoke) cafe which is a great little indie business, and then we took our dog walk at W--- park. It's a super nice nature-y park and we aren't routinely over there, so it was a nice change of pace. Kdog appreciates new surroundings as much as I do.

I was still wanted to try to get the pottery while I was in that area, so I made another attempt, wasting almost half an hour finding parking near the school which by the time had gotten busy. I finally just parked illegally close to the cafe on a main street where my car would be visible and I ran in for another 10 minutes. No luck. So either my pieces are still in process somehow, or they walked off, It just seems unlikely. But I didn't want to leave KDog in the car any longer. I did notice the agitation and anxiety caused by leaving the dog in the car and next time I won't do that, I just expected I would be in and out in 5 minutes because I found my pieces easily before.

*****

Back home, and with decent weather was finally going to tackle some of the caulk today - just "try" something in a few spots and see how it goes. I am starting to understand that doing something is probably better than doing nothing at all. However...It's not warm enough for the caulk to set properly...it is now but there is a hard cold front coming and it needs 24 hours. I might get another chance on Tues-Weds of next week. I still taped up the broken windows in the garage and did some cleaning/organizing out there which was overdue, and that felt good. I need to do more leaves but am resting to try to get the energy. I have all electric lawn tools and the long heavy extension cords make it a bit more of an effort. Once I decide what I am doing as far as living situation I will likely change my tools or hire someone.

Waiting for a call from Proggy to see if I am heading down there later. I honestly don't care. All we ever do any more is eat together or watch movies. It's companionship but getting really restless when I have so many things to do and plan.

 

[Llama]

Pottery sounds like a fun hobby but how strange that your pieces disappeared. Great work getting started on the house even if it didn't quite work out.

 

[Fiera]

Pottery sounds like a fun hobby but how strange that your pieces disappeared. Great work getting started on the house even if it didn't quite work out.

This was my first class, a 5-week intro course for 3 hours on Mondays. I did ok in the first two weeks and then had a terrible time for 2 weeks and didn't produce anything. Finally the last week I asked my instructor for some one on one - after watching me struggle he sat down with my wheel to try it for me and he said that even HE couldn't get the clay centered - my clay was too hard! I am glad there was an explanation, but I was far behind at that point so I will probably retake the class.

I am so glad that I had a learning experience with guitar that taught me that sometimes it's the instrument, the tools, the instructor, the teaching method or other factors and not a lack of aptitude. With guitar, it turned out that mine had an uncharacteristically thick neck and it also was warped so you really had to press down uber hard on the strings. I found this out years and years after giving up on it until a friend of mine picked it up to play it one time. Even with the pottery I was getting a big divot in the middle of my bowl - then I found out having a longest middle finger was my problem and I had to learn to adapt a bit differently to get it out of the way while pulling.

I guess the point of this post was that I am glad that I have learned how to be a better learner.

 

[Fiera]

So, I did two+ hours of garage/yard work again this afternoon. I like staying busy, it also helps me to not think about f.o.o.d. Also it limbers me up a bit and burns a few calories without being strenuous.

No Proggy tonight, which is fine with me. I get to relax and have a cup of hot tea. I will drive down there tomorrow with KDog. Proggy has a gas fireplace so that will be nice and comforting.

The temperature is dropping and expected to get down in the 20's tonight so I will no doubt get my first real taste of how badly the house is leaking. Big gas bills are a concern of course but my bigger concern is that the boiler won't be able to keep up and/or will burn out if it has to operate on maximum for any extended period. I have a couple of temporary fixes in mind, but first have to identify where the worst of the drafts are coming in.

ETA: I taped the glass panes in the front door with thermal tape, and retaped the window in the dining room, replacing some questionable insulating foam strips which were not sticking very well. Wow, I cannot believe that those two things seem to have cut down the draft in the back part of the house. That is very encouraging.

 

[Fiera]

After paying close attention to my food cravings tonight, I decided to read up on food addiction. There is a craving which doesn't seem to be linked to any specific food. I know when I crave beef, I am about to get my period. i recognize a craving for chocolate or salt - usually also PMS. But these evening cravings seem to a general fixation on eating, which, if I think of a specific food, like chocolate cake or ice cream, can get locked on that, But I don't think they start out that way.

If one thinks of food addiction on a chemical level, it works similarly to alcohol, cigarettes etc. Your brain's pleasure center is looking for a fix, a next "hit". Does it happen in the evenings because I am depleted or my brain chemistry changes (or cortisol)? Is it because I am not keeping myself busy enough? Or did the foods I have for dinner actually set something in motion...or failed to provide something I needed?

Well....at least I am playing attention. I am not out of the woods for the night yet. Ugh.

 

[Llama]

For me it's usually a combination, too. At first (when I'm getting back ob track) it's just the habit to have something at this time or when I'm sitting in this chair. Add a bit of sadness, boredom, or frustration, and it gets worse. Maybe add a previous meal that wasn't quite high enough in calories or protein and it gets to be VERY hard to make good choices. Especially if I'm not drinking enough water. I'm generally ok with the salty cravings though: I'll just eat something salty and high-protein and I'm able to stop after one portion. Sweets are harder for me.

Great to hear you made some tangible progress on the insulation front! For me the positive reinforcement of getting things done really helps with staying active. Getting started though...so hard. That sucks about getting so far behind in the pottery class; isn't that something a teacher ought to pick up on earlier? But at least you asked, got it solved, and can enjoy the last little bit of the course.