Fiera's Diary

Fiera

Active member
** Warning - contains detailed description of terrifying experience / fear **

Hi, it's me. After running off the rails for several dayswith an uptick in anxiety and coming down with a cold(?) which knocked me out, I am feeling more grounded today.

I made a decision to put a chunk of money down on an annual program my doc offers. I don't think I will make the April hike in Utah as I am pretty booked with trips to see my dad in FL. I have however committed to the 4M group walk on March 20, which is 8 weeks from tomorrow. Making the decision to spend the money became easier after a talk w my therapist yesterday. It was also an importamt reminder about how *not* making decisions leads to many more things hanging over my head simultaneously.

Tomorrow is an important day of rememberance for losing my mom. So far it hasn't hit me much. I texted my brother this morning and he sent me a photo that he baked her chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I suppose tomorrow may be a different story.

I have begged off Proggy coming tonight and having him tomorrow instead. I pulled out some nice dinner components and should be more capable of cooking. Today I put together misc on hand ingredients into half-axxed chili. Will see how it comes out. 1 part prior experience, 1 part what was available, and about 5 parts gut feel. Esp without a functional sniffer, the joy of cooking is really guesswork.

Thurs was my pottery reboot (I jokingly refer to it as my remedial beginner-beginner class). It's already going better with a new instructor and clay which is fit for purpose and that is very satisfying. I spent many years of my life thinking I just didn't have an aptitude for guitar when in actuality it was simply not having a suitable instrument. It also took me a long time to learn to go through the beginner phase of something new remaining open to sucking at things. In fact, that it's OK to continue sucking at things as long as they bring me joy. Running was in that category. Hurray for Life Wisdom. It's my favorite.

Rather than watching movies/tv in the evenings, with Proggy gone I have been reading a historical book about a turn of the century religious organization (cult) and working on backing up photos off my phone. I get some peace doing these things and being alone (with K Dog). At least I explore my genuine thoughts and feelings and desires more, and not get caught up on "what's for dinner?" or the lowest common denominator "what do you want to watch?"

I am truly blessed. I still live in too much fear and I need to get on with life anyways. I found this photo from fall of 2020, it was the weekend AFTER Labor Day, when the madness was over and the campground had open capacity. I went, for one night, by myself, just so I would't miss an entire summer. I know the campground and I intentionally looked to see which other sites were reserved so I would be close to other people. But there was a storm which rolled through the day before, and har anyone showed up. There were 3 sites with people in the, and then close to 100 yards to where my site was, and they were all wooded so no one could see me. I got there early so I figured/hoped things were going to fill in as the afternoon progressed. But they didn't. I became increasingly unsettled. I usually feel enough safe there by myself but I didn't all by myself. I set up a 2nd camp chair and solo cup and tried to make it look to anyone passing by that there must be a couple there. And then it got dark, and I made my fire. And a motorcycle pulled up at the site next door with a little A-frame platform tent trailer thingy, and the big dude got inside and squeak-squeak-squeak for the next 10 minutes. I kept telling myself that the odds were overwhelming that the dude didn't come here to attack someone, he came here to camp, but by then I was already terrified. I built up a good fire and looked uneasily at the dwindling wood supply which increasingly was the lifeline between myself, darkness, and a slipping grip on sanity. Every ounce of my terrified mind was screaming at me to just give up and leave...EF's house was not far and even with the pandemic she would put me up or I could safely car-sleep in her driveway. But I kept telling myself that the Universe was giving me a chance to practice managing through fear. It was possibly the most terrifying night of my life. I barely slept, I had my alarm in my hand and a knife close by all night; I had left my duffel with my warm clothes next to the garage back at the house, and I don't know what kind of animal came up inspecting our tent. It's amazing that I didn't perish from terror. I don't think I conquered my fear. HOWEVER...The sunrise at the campground the next morning was the most beautiful one of my entire life. It was absolutely stunning. And had I gone home, or even to EF's, I would never have had witnessed that spectacular moment.

I appreciate the reminder that even though we are afraid of things, and that bad things sometimes do happen, the only way to really LIVE is to get out of your comfort zone and create space for new experiences.

Thanks Universe. ❤️
 
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Llama

Well-known member
texted my brother this morning and he sent me a photo that he baked her chocolate chip cookies yesterday.
That's lovely. I hope you can find joy in remembrance.
In fact, that it's OK to continue sucking at things as long as they bring me joy.
Yes! I feel so awkward when I suck at things but when I manage to forget about what others might think about my suckitude it's so much fun to explore new things!
HOWEVER...The sunrise at the campground the next morning was the most beautiful one of my entire life. It was absolutely stunning.
As someone who grew up being terrified a lot of the time I felt your description of that night in my bones. And I'm so glad you were able to turn it into a memory of beauty.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
:iagree: with everything LaMa said & I used to be petrified of the dark until only fairly recently & only overcame it because of where I live now. I read your last post & felt sick with fear. I think I would have frozen with fear too. Having a very vivid imagination is not a good thing.
 

Fiera

Active member
I see in hindsight that post should come with a trigger warning. I'm sorry about that and will add one. This is what I was talking about. I am not a religious person but you have to admit there is something just .... extraordinary ... about this sunrise...
 

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vic32

Well-known member
Hello, Fiera, I don’t drop by to too many post. But can I strongly recommend for you not to go camping anywhere by yourself.

And the picture you captured is sensational. I love sunrises. The best part of my day.
 

Fiera

Active member
I am grateful for the overnight snow which provided an opportunity to get out and shovel today. And shovel I did, and shovel I will do more later. I love the exercise, the rhythm, the tangible progress. There is a beginning and end point to the work at hand - the task is clearly defined. And I often do more than just my own...it is for self serving reasons, but I do take satisfaction in knowing that other people benefit.

Another benefit is that getting out and doing something alleviates the Bored Snackies, that tendency to mindlessly consume stuff when you are hanging about the house all day.

I have had a few (appropriate) bouts of sadness and tears today, esp. after I called my dad and he was preoccupied with his day and heading to lunch with Peaches and seemingly unaware of the date. He had me on speaker as usual and there was no space for me to shift the topic or articulate that I was feeling sad. He normally doesn't forget so we will see if he says anything tomorrow. If not it will wait until I am down there in person. I had this strong need to tell someone "I am hurting today"; to be seen; to have my sadness acknowledged. I texted my brother. No response. S was already reaching out to me about her relationship so it wasn't the time to raise it with her either, So I ended up melting down a little during my check in with Proggy, even though he is dealing with his own feelings. It was probably a mistake, but i
I couldn't hold it in.

I find myself judging myself for not having maintained "enough" relationships to where I can simply be authentic. But, that's not really quite the issue. One issue is that I tend to project/protect the other person's feelings and receptiveness, when perhaps they would really like it and feel important if I reached out to talk. Another habit is that I go for too long without talking to people and I tell myself it's wrong to suddenly just text or call and old friend and say "I need talk". Especially when I am not the person they would think to turn to. But then again, I am taking responsibility for their thoughts and feelings. Anyway I am just rambling but the point is to say that it has me thinking about my quality of connection with people and what I might want to work on.

S's mom is the ONLY person who reached out to me on the one year anniversary - not a single other person remembered or spoke up. It was a gesture of tenderness which I never forgot, and endeared her to me in a way I had never anticipated. Indeed, I have been feeling grateful for the older women who in some ways became adoptive moms/mom figures along the way. In fact, I think I will call IK now. Because I still can.
 

Llama

Well-known member
:grouphug: I'm sorry you were so alone with your feelings. It's tough to reach out for support when you're not used to doing so and it's even harder when you haven't been socializing as much for a while. But you're right: most people are happy to help or lend an ear, especially when the difficult feelings haven't accumulated for so long that they take over the entire conversation but leave room for lighter topics afterwards. At least that's how it is for me.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
but the point is to say that it has me thinking about my quality of connection with people and what I might want to work on.
I need to do the same. I need to work on maintaining contact with my women friends so that if the day comes that my husband dies before me I have those relationships current & have not let the friendships fade away. You have to work on it, that's for sure.
Does your Dad do messages? Maybe when you see him next ask if you could message him & get him to call you privately when you need him to.
 
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