Fiera's Diary

Well, it is a good thing I had a hair appointment today or I might have not accomplished anything. I hopped in the shower around 1 and I pulled in to my appointment around 2. Looks much better. Bohemian Rhapsody came on during the highway drive home. Stereo all the way up, singing loudly, banging my freshly iron hair all about. It was a highlight of the day for sure.

My hair stylist seemed on auto pilot today. At one point she asked me what happened in the marriage to L that resulted in our breaking up. I got the strange feeling it was more because of issues in her own relationship rather than just conversation...even though she hadn't said anything about it today. So I told her about some things that had built over time, some things that were more recent in the marriage, and then the fateful meeting on a business trip where a seed got planted in my head...what life might be like if I had a real partner instead of an adult child. It was loss of respect, it was dead weight, it was resentment. I never expected or wanted it; it showed up unexpectedly but it was a product of years. And we were still best friends when we did split up. Smh.

Sometimes it seems like I am still carrying around unresolved trauma, even though I am the one who initiated the breakup.

I managed to eat 2 roast beef sandwiches for dinner. They were smaller than they used to be, and I think I didn't have lunch, but still. What is wrong with me, I am not even trying.

I looked at getting away for a few days but not knowing the schedule for the new sidewalk is a royal pain. I could just tell him to postpone til after the next transport. I really need a change of scenery.
 
I had a haircut yesterday as well, although I wasn't motivated to go at all, and I feel a lot better for it. Something about investing in myself, or something.
 
Haircut always does that for me! The sides of mine are shaved and it was super shaggy and grows in a terrible mix of medium brown and white. lol. I could do it all myself but I never do, and it is nice to go get it all done, even if she does charge a fortune.
 
I feel better this morning. Conked out early last night and NDog the alarm clock waited until 6:20 before going off.

This afternoon I drive out to visit with my dad and Peaches. Will stay for dinner and evening hockey game. I am bringing both of the dogs with. This will entail bringing food and bowls and beds and muzzles and a belly band and possibly a crate for NDog so it's not an easy task. But I didn't want to leave NDog crated for hours and hours even with a walker so we will see how he gets on with my Dad's dog. KDog will just lay down, she is too old for hijinks.

For now, I enjoy my quiet morning, It again was cool enough to leave the windows open all night, and this morning I can hear various birds. The other day Proggy and I thought we saw an Eagle perched on a rooftop. We were at a stoplight near a river and we both looked at it multiple times. Meant to check birding sites to see if anyone else noticed/confirmed it.

I have gotten pretty good about doing dishes and laundry in the mornings before the day heats up. It will be a week tomorrow since I sliced my hand and it finally seems like it is making good traction. It is still uncomfortable and can't get wet but I no longer have to keep it wrapped with neosporin etc. They don't make band aids the way they used to, they all fall off, even the brand ones. Is it possibly my skin getting older or are they using less aggressive adhesive? I guess they sell more if they don't stay on as well, but it seems a shame for the extra trash it creates.

Not like I am a great citizen when it comes to creating trash. I recycle pretty well but I use home shopping a lot as a life hack, and it results in a ton of excess packaging. Have gotten better at consolidating deliveries though.

I was thinking last night, I have not been overseas now in 4 years. Considering what my business life once was, I never would have imagined. I have really not travelled at all except to my dad's condo, or nearby trips to the hometown or the winery area, and one trip to Canada for a concert to a city I know fairly well. Life has slowed down I guess. First it was the pandemic and crippling anxiety...now it's KDog. It could be another couple of years with her, I know, I guess I should evaluate options for people she could stay with, Trouble is most everyone has stairs. Plus, she pees on pee pads in the house and takes a special cooked diet. I usually end up deciding to just wait til she passes....but it could be a few years yet. Maybe I just need to work hard to find an in home pet sitter I can trust.
 
A lot more people seem to have allergies these days and the adhesive used in traditional bandaids is a pretty common source of allergic reactions so I could see them changing the formula. Plus most people want to change a plaster every day (or even twice a day) now, so properly sticking plaster would cause more irritation. In general for me the clothlike sticking plasters stay better than the plastic ones but they still require very dry, fatfree skin, and seem to get more sticky only after they've been on for a while.
 
Llama said:
they still require very dry, fatfree skin
Click to expand...
Well that might explain it.

I had a box of store brand and decided maybe they were old....but I then got name brand and it was a similar experience., Just getting a few hours out of them. Definitely not tacky any more. Great comment about skin allergies.

Something about all that caused me to thing of an old, close friend who moved out of state in our 20's. Her husband worked for a hospital supply company which sold band aids among many other things. She still mails a family photo at the holidays but my voice mails every couple of years went unreturned. I don't think I even have a phone number for her any more. She was part of the amusement park friends. I thought we would all be friends for life but it really only lasted until we were in our 40's. Everyone is spread all over the place now. Anyway, fondly wishing her well today.

Speaking of, AN floated through my mind this morning while I was outside reareanging the sprinkler. This little fantasy scene appeared in which he come over and talked while we sat by the firepit. The problem in talking is that he has all this anger and he decided to point it at me and I just don't need that. I observed yesterday how much my confidence has lessened, in that a simple thing like taking the dogs out to my dad's is just anxiety provoking now because I am worried NDog will get loose. I should not have two dogs, But I just don't see younger me being so nervous about it, I would just get things done.

I drew a lot of confidence from L, I think. L was happy go lucky, unflappable, loyal. Well, they say you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. I pretty much spend time with Proggy any more. My Dad is a distant second. Mostly my dogs. Guess I need to get out more!

Cleaning lady comes today. I will take another 30 minutes or so then set about picking up the house.

I ate ridiculous amounts of food yesterday; we had Chinese take out at my Dad's. NDog behaved very well with my Dad's little dog. They hockey team won. I fell asleep for the last 10 minutes. Out cold. Probably carb overload. I have a cole slaw kit I will make today. My body needs veggies.

Peaches had mentioned she had old photos she came across when she was getting garage sale items together. It is an assortment of baby and christmas card photos of my cousins, but also photos my dad had in frames at one point. There appears to be zero photographic evidence left in that house of life before Peaches, or that he once had a family, son, or daughter. That aside, I was also struck with the receipt of the photo I once gave to my dad, framed, for his office, in an attempt to build some kind of connection.

Eh, I can't get lost in this right now. Too much to do. Time to feed the dogs and finish my matcha.
 
Eh. Cleaning Lady showed up 20 minutes earlier than usual because she has an appointment later. I was cleaning up dishes so I finished that and got out of the way. Other than moving the lawn sprinkler around and picking up more rocks/debris out of the yard, I mostly have been reflecting on Ago. I looked of the death of the man who would have been my father-in-law, lost in a service related tragedy. I thought a bit about how that death changed the lives of his family. One man posted in a memorial about how they wished he could have retired up at xxxx lake with them, and all the stories and hoots they had over the years. i drove up to xxxx lake once with L. A slow drive around the lake and L was talking about an aunt who lived there, and cousins who still did, but that side of the family had been lost to time as his mom's side of the family were the thread of things thereafter. Once we went to a wedding hosted by that side of the family. I think L connected with a couple of them after the divorce. But it is all lost to time, and there is no place nor reason to try to look any of them up. Maybe just an artifact of my own moment of grasping at my own past, and of L, and my own mistakes and blind spots and limitations.

I was also thinking of AN, and how I feel similar walls to those I had up with L. I cannot help those feelings, really, but coping with emotions by walling up certainly doesn't make anything better in the long run. Because when I shut off due to one person, I shut down with respect to others too. The thought occurred to me that after my Dad goes, I would like to spend a year in silence and not talk with anyone. Absurd, I know. Maybe it's just because I need to get out on a vacation on my own. I feel so out of touch with whatever inside of me is needing to be processed. I need some time away from Proggy, from the dogs, from the house, and just sit on a mountainside or a cliff overlooking the ocean. I cannot leave KDog who will certainly end up with a bout of colitis. And we have no mountains nor oceans within a day 's drive of where I live. But there is some place. And I need to be there. Anywhere but here. Just for a spell.
 
Interesting thought about us being the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with... I think I'd be very proud of myself if that were true! Well, I wouldn't be, but I'd have every right to be :D
 
Cleaning Lady is gone and with that, a sense of release.
I wrote to Irish friend, and looked up some dog profiles for Pixy.
Realized I need to get serious about finding another sitter who meets my requirements. Will get to work on that.
 
Low mood keeps creeping in. I am going to choose to note that I ate excessively yesterday and made poor choices, including an entire portion of pad thai from a chinese place near my dad's. If that is the case, I can be feeling better tomorrow. smiling because...wisdom.
 
Passed out early. Ordered chocolate cake and a burger and chicken sandwich from a local eatery. My capacity for indulgence knows no bounds. Truly need to get a handle on what it is that I want for myself. I craved coffee multiple times during the day. Alcohol too, Avoided those things and used sugar/chocolate instead. I don't know what I am about any more. Can't find the edge to start the 5 day FMD in part because of Proggy coming on the weekends. I need a weekend off for myself.

So now after napping it is 1AM. I just turned off the noir movies which were playing and all but one light. Both dogs are sleeping with light blankets on. The cool night temp is very welcome. Drinking water and chamomile tea brewed earlier. No longer feeling sad or low, just being.

Going thru some papers today, the one bin is entirely folders from trips and travel. All at least 5 years old now. The other bin has things like house projects. That one has a folder dating back to 2012. The great keeper of notes, I am. I haven't figured out what or how to transition to electronic. The answer seems to be to keep stuff long enough til it is no longer relevant, then toss.

Happy to note my hand is healing apace and I should be able to shower tomorrow without a rubber glove on. How glorious that will be. It will be a week since I cut it. Here's to an injury free June, it really affects my sense of freedom and ease with which I move through the tasks I need to accomplish.

AN came back on social yesterday. No fanfare. I imagine whatever made him shut down over the weekend has passed. Probably a girl. Certainly feeling poorly about himself. Which I can relate to. I didn't talk to Proggy tonight nor do I feel much like being in contact with people. I got p*ssy at a comment J (of J&M) posted on my changed profile photo. I haven't been hearing from her and she makes an ignorant comment making it all about her? In that moment I felt the friendship is over. I have been disappointed in her/them for some time now. I cut people a lot of slack because I know they have their own families and own lives but I made some solid efforts to stay in touch, flew her back here once for a reunion, went out and visited twice, but that was Ago and now is now. Or Now.

Problem is that everything seems Ago and Now seems pretty empty. Or unsatisfying. Sometimes I think that I have the potential for another two decades of really fulfilling life and I just can't remember where I put the car keys. I am afraid of venturing out when I used to be fearless. Like taking a road trip, or backpacking or whatever. My world is so small right now. Do I really want to resign myself to the live of a homebody? Am I ever going to live anywhere else? If not, why not? Am I more content then I realize with my current circumstance? Do I stay out because it is safe and familiar? Because I don't have a partner for adventure?

Maybe I need to rearrange the furniture.
 
Well, today has been all right. Trying to find healthy stuff to eat in the house, which is getting a bit easier as the snacks and chocolate are gone. I made sun tea today which is now in the fridge cooling down. S was in town and stopped for coffee today. It was the perfect length of visit, for us to stay connected and yet not have to go do something together, which would have been bad for me.

My sports watch gave me a warning last night about an abnormal heart rate. I had to look it up. Apparently it goes off when you have been at rest for over 10 minutes and your heart rate is over 100. I then looked and it has been up lately as has the 'stress' indicator. It's probably a little bit of smoking (3-4 per day), putting on extra weight, inactivity, and generally struggling to be productive.

S suggested this TTalk by Brenee B. It's very good, it's about shame. she differentiates between guilt and shame. She talks about a part of her wanting to keep her life small. About how women expect perfection of themselves. Its difficult to be vulnerable and open. It takes courage. So much of it I can easily grasp and see myself in it, my thoughts and patterns, my defenses, my fears.

CB said I seemed different yesterday. I have felt tired and quiet lately and not wanting to interact with people. She said I seemed more withdrawn. We are both keeping an eye on whether it is a depressive cycle, I said I thought it was probably due to the Chinese food overdose the day before, but there is a larger cycle going on since I cracked my ribs. Well, I sat here last night with the hockey game on and went thru some old papers, and I did a bit more today. I ordered Brenee B's book and will start to read that. Thankfully Proggy didn't come up as it was hot and neither of us wanted to be outside in the heat.

My dad and I talked for about 45 minutes as he was hungry and Peaches was late getting home for lunch. Then Pixy called for an hour to talk about the next transport and other details. Then I wrote follow up emails regarding the intake form and NDogs adopter telling her the stairs were a No. It was midafternoon before I started claiming my time and mental space for myself again. Then it was time to feed the dogs, then make myself dinner, and now I am finally moving in to what I hope will be the restorative portion of the day.

Hope is not a strategy. I am turning off the phone and computer and opening that book.
 
Yay! It has been a loooong time since it rained. And even though we have not had much, it is an overcast day. And NDog LET ME SLEEP IN until nearly 8AM. Maybe my theory is true, that his internal clock is triggered by sunrise. In spite of a sleep intermission around 1-2 AM, I finally got a really good nights' sleep.

It is cooler out and I am grateful to have the windows open and a cool breeze blowing through. The heat and stillness before the front arrived kept the house in the low 80's until at least midnight.

There was some excitement around the hometown last night as a porch camera in my old neighborhood caught photos of a wild creature not known to exist in the area. Hopefully just migrating. I know from personal experience that if you don't have photos, tracks or scat then officially your sighting is filed as baseless. But there seems to be admission now that we are not as alone as we think...and the state wildlife seems to be admitting that, indicating that sightings are on the increase.

I love having this alone quiet time without Proggy. I know he is lonely and would rather be in the city. But I also know what is best for me and I will take it. I didn't crack the Brenee book open last night after all, I felt a bit too tired to start and wanted a fresh mind, so I have it sitting here. I am making glacial progress with minimizing and organizing but I did do a bit more yesterday. The Minimalists remind us that getting rid of things makes the job of organizing so much easier!

Foodwise, I generally did better yesterday. I made popcorn in the evening though for a snack food, and had a bit of beef jerky. Earlier I had museli to which I added milk and a bit of raw sugar. All of that is still salt and sugar hacks but it still felt more quuality. In the afternoon I had a bit of peanut butter which of course I use to give KDog her pills easily. My itching flared up (prior to popcorn) and I think it is down to peanut butter or milk on my key suspects list. My skin had been feeling a lot better for a couple of days. When this problem first emerged in college, we were eating cereal and ice cream a lot in the cafeteria, so maybe it has been milk/dairy my entire life and I am just now figuring it out. Though it is possible I was eating peanut butter then due to dorm room, I just don't recall that at all. My money is on milk, and particularly drew my attention after all the skin problems last year arose when I had 3 pints of ice cream all during one very stressful week. Will keep observing, I never associated it with food at all until I started the 5 day FMD earlier this year and noticed that my skin cleared up.

I think since it is cool in the house I will make some bacon in the oven for breakfast.

Altogether it feels so peaceful with the light rain and cool temps. I heartily approve!
 
The alone time along with Brenee's talk has kicked me back into Ago, but not in total isolation. Rather some feeling of echoes which are still with me. I noticed I was remembering primarily the negative/difficult experiences of development, because of course that is what therapy tends to focus on. I decided to try to recall the positive experiences too. Like the time I was presented with an achievement award in band at 8th grade graduation. Or how I did well at academic competition. And just what an overall good upbringing it was (until of course it wasn't). Family vacations. Suburban neighborhood and men's club picnics. Plenty of kids around to play with. We roamed everywhere on our bikes. Relatively small classroom sizes. Trick or Treating. Pretty ideal until I hit middle school. Well I am not going on about it here, for once, but it is useful to see it all unfold. And see where I made a mistake or felt something that I still carry around with me today.

I hope that the product of this is a final closing on the need to revisit any of it. A sort of like 10 commandments out of all of it, that can be used as guiding principles for the rest of my life. I did this at one point a decade ago. I want to do it again, then look up that old list and see how well it aligns. I feel like I have been stuck for over a decade now. I totally understand how AN says his entire adult life is a trauma response and he is still trying to figure out who he isand how to live in this world. Meanwhile, time marches on and we aren't getting any younger. It seems silly to waste the rest of my life being stuck here though.
 
Who we are changes with time and the world around us changes as well so how we live in it can't stay the same anyway 🤷‍♀️
 
Funny that the people I admire most are the ones who stayed true to themselves. Who had such a developed sense of self, or boundaries, that you could always count on them to be a rock. But then, people who don't evolve, like my husband, can't always adapt. I am sure I need to unpack this. There is a difference between evolving interests and evolving core values and identity. I'm the one who changed in my marriage. I am the one who eventually collapsed inward from trying to remain who I was while navigating a toxic work environment. I'm still here, but I don't really feel like I am living. Eh, I am not going to rehash it. I am where I am, and maybe someday I will find the music again.

More readily if I get out of the house and get some exercise and interaction with the world rather than sitting here stuffing my face and watching old movies.

Get a job. Sha na na na, sha na na na na nah.
 
Oooh, I got out of the house. Took the pups to the forest preserve for a little walk. Dropped a card at the post office for EF's daughter's h.s. graduation. Picked up some groceries. Have not eaten yet and it is almost Noon so I can try for a 12-6 feeding window today.

Peaches called w some details about the weekend. The little one who I was most worried about bothering the dogs is going to spend the night now, in addition to Proggy and I and KDog. At least NDog is staying with another foster for the weekend. It will be OK. Hopefully not going to rain for my Dad's party Sat. She said he is starting to get a little excited about it, That makes me happy.

Today is such a perfect day, high only around 68. It might rain in a bit but so far has held off. So nice having the house open, The last few years we went straight from 50's and rainy to blazing hot and humid with no Spring. This moderate weather is awesome. The constant noise from the A/C fan for days and weeks shut up in the house is my least favorite time of year.

Dogs are snoozing comfortably, tired from our outing. My heart feels happier.
 
We're having a lovely, moderate spring as well and it's been the best! Good to hear you've got a plan in place for the party weekend so you don't have to stress too much.
 
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