Emily Rose: The Reboot

[FutureSkinnyLegend]

Thanks Cate.

Had a very good day today. Well, it started with an abysmal weigh-in, but I shrugged it off and went for a run. It was a really beautiful morning and where I ran, there were little ducks and swans parading around, and lots of people sitting on benches eating their breakfast, and it was just good Sunday vibes all round. I also had the best sleep I've had in ages last night - collapsed into bed at around 8.30 pm and woke up at 10 am this morning. I really needed it though.

After my run, I came home, had a shower, read the paper for a while, and then I went to meet my friend for lunch at a nice hotel in town. I got the seafood chowder with one slice of bread, and a cup of coffee after. We went for a shortish walk and then I went home again to get ready for tennis. Ended up playing tennis for 2 and a quarter hours, which was a lot more than I planned. I played mixed doubles first, but then one of the other lads had texted me for a hit-around afterwards, and two of the men stayed. So I ended up playing with the 3 men for the next hour and a bit. I was delighted, because I held my own, and obviously, the men have a lot more power and it's a harder game, but I did really well. So very happy with that. They're also all just really sound, which makes it even better, haha.

I have such a busy day tomorrow in work and more tennis planned for after work, but I might have to cancel if I don't get through enough of my task list. I'll just have to gauge how it's going. I have tennis on Tuesday as well, but I might also cancel that if I feel too under pressure. There will be plenty of people willing to step in anyway, because there's a tournament coming up.

Not a lot else to report really. My legs are very sore after all the exercise today, and my hip is acting up a bit again, which is worrying. I really hope that the scales are kind in the morning. I nearly caved and bought wine this evening - I even stood looking at the wine fridge for a bit, but I managed to overcome it and went home empty-handed. Phew. I am so happy with my decision now, let me tell you that.

Hey Emily! Turns out I got addicted to reading your diary haha. Hope there’s nothing serious with your hip. I know how it feels to have a stress fracture and, let me tell you, it sucks. By the way, you’re so strong for not getting the wine! Seems like a good day. Best of luck
- Mariana

 

[Cate]

That sounds like a wonderful Sunday, Em. Well done, you on not getting that wine!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Mariana, your comment made me smile.
- Thanks Cate.

Today was mostly good, although the coach got a haircut that has aged him about 10 years to the point where I did not recognise him at all this evening. You can see his kind eyes better now though. Hahaha.

My friend texted me earlier and told me an amazing bit of gossip about a former colleague who I loathed and a current colleague that I don't trust at all. I was right about both of them! God, I feel so justified. I always think about that thing that the traits you don't like in other people are the ones you don't like in yourself. So I try not to be too hard on people, and I do think there is some truth to that. These two are sneaky, out for themselves, false people, and obviously, my behaviour around food, alcohol and cigarettes pretty much mirrors that. I am just not sneaky in the same way but I abhor those things about myself. Anyway, interesting. But also, I haven't got a good bit of gossip in a while, haha. Very thrilling.

There is serious digging going on outside my bedroom window and it's after 10 pm at night. So sick of the roadworks everywhere. But the bus stop outside my estate is much improved, so I guess it will be all worth it in the end.

Prices of things here are catastrophic at the moment. A bag of coal has increased from last year's price of €24 to €38 this year. Huge jump. Not that I am buying coal, but my parents are. I went to get a bowl of soup in a cafe last week and it was €6.50. A few days later, it had gone up to €7.50. It's just not sustainable. I'm not too worried but if I dropped the smoking, it would probably cover the extra costs coming my way this winter. Why can I not get a grip on this thing?

 

[Cate]

I really, really, really hope you can give up the smokes Em
Have you found out if the cute tennis coach is attached?

 

[Emilyrose]

I think he's separated with kids, Cate, but that is not confirmed.

I have had a great week! Really buzzing after it. Had a good week in work, won another match today in a tournament - I'm really flying high! Mum also is looking a lot better. She had this pale, clammy look going on for a long while after being in hospital, but the colour is finally coming back to her face and you can see her lovely sallow skin again.

I had a nice chat today with one of the few guys my actual age in the club. I thought he was really full of himself just from a far off distance, but he was actually really nice and friendly when I talked to him properly today. Not bad looking either (fitness instructor) but married. Still, we had a nice chat, it was a very enjoyable hour spent. I am so happy that we once again have this opportunity to chat to total strangers without fearing for our lives anymore. I really missed that randomness when we were all in lockdown. Fitness Coach was talking a little bit about that time today, and how the pause gave people a chance to look around and take stock of their lives. I guess I took stock of how much I use drugs and food to manage my emotional ups and downs, which is of course chronic. But it gave me tennis, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I watched some of the Roger Federer farewell at the Laver Cup on youtube today with my parents - oh my God, it was so emotional. The fact that Rafa was also bawling was unbelievably touching. All made better by the fact that Borg and McEnroe are also reunited for this competition. I love the tennis guys so much. Federer is such a hero. And I love that himself and Rafa seem like genuinely decent men that just happen to excel at a sport. I think there is a lot of pressure on sportspeople to be role models, but they make it look so easy.

I played a match last night and was the absolute worst version of myself - I just felt so stressed and pissed off out there for reasons I don't fully understand - lost the match and was a spoilt baby about it. I felt really ashamed last night and it took me a while to go to sleep. I was telling one of the other girls in the club about it earlier tonight, and when I told her who beat us, she said that she understood my reaction and not to be too hard on myself, and that I was a nice person. Even though I did act like a bit of a brat, I appreciated that comment from her.

I also got complimented on my jumper and coat from another lady in the club this evening, which was nice, as I haven't gotten a compliment on my appearance in a while, it has to be said. Not that I think I should be getting compliments on how I look right now, but still, it gave me a boost. Still teetering at the 200 mark. When will I get back to NORMAL? Normal is good. Normal is acceptable. I would also just really appreciate being able to wear my nice jeans and dresses growing moss in the cupboard again. Is that too much to ask?!

 

[Cate]

I love Rafa & Roger too. They seem lovely.
Em, I think we're both hoping some magic will come along & our excess weight will just disappear. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen Hard slog required.......

 

[Emilyrose]

I just want the magic Cate.

So, this week I have made my second semifinal in a tournament in a row. Can I make that two finals in a row? Can I do it? Believe...

But yeah, very excited about that. That's pretty much all I care about right now, haha. I'm even starting to accept my body as it is these days. Well, today at least, I thought I looked nice in my clothes. Loving the winter knits.

Went home last night and Mum was very good, and we all had a lovely chat about holidays past. Dad told me about the time I was nine and they thought they lost me in the Statue of Liberty and that I'd been snatched. He said there were all these burly security guards in his way blocking the entrance and he barrelled past them all, he was in such a state looking for me. I never actually heard that story properly before. What a hero. Anyway, I was with my cousins' babysitter and had no idea that all this drama was going on at all. It was just nice to hear how much my dad loves me.

Friends of mine are meeting up for lunch on Sunday but I don't really feel inclined to go. I really should go, but it's on days like this, my singleness and aloneness is so much more front and centre, as they will all be there with their spouses or longterm partners. Only one other person in the group doesn't have anyone, not sure he's going. I know that's silly and I should go but... I don't know. I'll see how I feel later in the week.

Both of my housemates are coughing and I met someone tonight who said Covid is on the increase again. I cannot get sick this week!!! Luckily, they are both living in their rooms, so I can avoid them. I haven't got Covid yet and I have no intention of getting it when there's a potential final on the horizon.

Had a nice evening at the club. The two girls I played on Friday are definitely not happy with me at all, but hopefully things will thaw out there. Everyone else was talking to me though, so it could be worse! Really pumped up for the next match. I have a good feeling about it. Dad said our last match was the most in sync we've ever been on the court. So here's hoping that will carry us through the next one.

Once this tournament is over, I have another night away with work coming up, so it's all go. I like when things are exciting again.

 

[Cate]

Well done on getting into another semi, Em! I love hearing that your Mum is doing better & I'm sure it has taken a lot of worries away from your Dad. I hope you go to the lunch on Sunday. Some people would envy being single again so keep that in mind. Life sounds good. crossed that you don't get covid

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Cate. No Covid yet, despite maximum coughing from my housemate, so all good here.

I got tickets to see Bob Dylan in November! I am so excited. This is my favourite Bob song:

I am planning to do Stoptober, starting tomorrow. The idea is to not smoke for 28 days in a row and hopefully, you will see the benefits enough after that time to never want to smoke again. But I think I have to start with a tangible number like 28 and go from there. Forever is a long time. Stoptober normally starts October 1st, but I will start tomorrow. It will still be October by day 28!

I found a note I wrote to myself on my phone ages ago the other day -
Nothing is more important than stopping smoking.

That's going to be my personal mantra for the next 4 weeks. My reasons for quitting are numerous, as you can imagine, but the main one this time is that I am beginning to feel like the stub of a cigarette myself and I want my energy levels back.

I've had a good week since my last post. I got dressed up on Friday for a night out and I think I looked pretty good. I caught a few gazes. It's nice to get some positive attention.

I am playing tennis at a different club tomorrow with Paul, the guy I got to the final with. I was really chuffed to be asked. It shows he has some faith in me at least! I didn't win the semifinal with William this week, unfortunately, but I played as well as I could have and I was happy with that. You win some, you lose most. Haha.

Mum very good today. She's knitting a baby coat for a friend of hers, whose daughter is expecting. Knitting needles only €2.50! What a bargain in these dark days of €9 soup!

 

[Emilyrose]

Stoptober didn't go ahead as planned. I have something kind of stressful to do tomorrow that's been playing on my mind all day, so I cracked and bought another pack. Sigh. Not sure when I will attempt again. Maybe next weekend. I'll see how things go. The main thing for the rest of the week is no wine!

I had a good day overall. Food wasn't too bad. I had beans on toast for my tea, which I haven't had in a long time. I just got a craving. Beans cause havoc with my stomach (the rhyme is accurate!) but I said I'd chance it this evening, as I won't be going out again. They were tasty. I woke up early enough this morning and got it into my head that I should go for a run, as it was a beautiful autumn day here. The temperature has gone up a bit again. I really enjoyed the run and treated myself to lunch out afterwards. I also bought a pair of sunglasses that were reduced by 50%, so they only cost me €12.50, which I was delighted with.

After the run, I did a bit of planning for the drama club and sorted out some of the house bills that have come in. Electricity was lower than last month, which was great to see. I'm very mindful of switching lights off when I am not in the room. We should be doing that for the environment anyway.

I had a shower then and went off to play tennis for a couple of hours with Paul, one of the guys he works with and another lady in the club he's also a member of. It was a brilliant two hours of tennis. The court really is my happy place. I feel really good now after all the exercise and fresh air.

It's nearly half 8, and I don't have anything else to do this evening, so I might just have an early night. Not sure there's anything I really want to watch. Might go on Reddit for a bit, not sure. I could do with a good sleep to set me up for the week. I'm off tomorrow morning, so I get to play tennis for two hours. I have to get up at the same time as if I was heading into the office, but I suspect it will be a lot easier to wake up when it's the tennis court that I'm headed to! Haha.

 

[Cate]

That tennis court is definitely your happy place, Em. I have an upset stomach too & haven't been able to think what caused it, but you may have given me the solution. We had beans on toast yesterday morning.

I have something kind of stressful to do tomorrow that's been playing on my mind all day

I hope it goes better than you expect xo

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Cate. It went okay. Glad it's over.

Had a nice morning playing tennis with the ladies, I have gotten friendly with a few of them. One of them is so sound, she makes me laugh. Someone complimented her today and she replied, 'Thank you!' Then she was saying, "I'm not going to be like, 'Oh no, I'm not good at that'", or whatever it was about. Lol. We played great together actually, might be a potential tennis partner for next year. She's also super into the whole thing and is striving to get better in a similar way to me. It was a good start to the day.

Went for an early lunch then in my favourite sandwich place and headed to the office. Half days are great. If only it were possible every day. Tennis in the morning, a few hours of work... Living the dream.

I also talked to Coach today and I've booked a lesson for next week with him. Exciting! I am so hot for teacher, haha. I think I always like people who I can learn something from. There is another man in the club who is a number of years older than me, but a few of us were chatting at the club at the weekend, and he was just so intelligent and had so many interesting things to say. Not just nonsense chat (which is fine) but compelling chat where you are learning something. That was cool. I like meeting all these different people who bring contrast and colour to my dull days.

Not that I think my days are that dull. I have filled them with stuff but that is only effective up to a point. I'm still out there searching for the river to throw the rocks into. I was thinking of something the other day that was like the bag of rocks and it kind of showed a way to embrace them but I can't remember it now. Obviously a moment of enlightenment that has disappeared once more. Ah well. It would be boring if it was easy.

I guess it's all about enjoying the journey and I think getting into that mindset is the secret to getting back on track to losing weight. Dropping each rock, one by one. Plop, plop, plop.

Also - met this guy tonight by chance. He just broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years on Friday (!) and decided to open up and tell me the whole traumatic story. He was also mighty fine. He asked me my name. I'll probably never see him again. He's also a painter (of walls), so this seems to be my new type. Lol. But yeah, it was interesting...

 

[Emilyrose]

Hello. Is there anybody in there?

Bonus points if you get the reference.

Just watched the last episode of Severance this evening. I was looking at the moon tonight and this bright little star that seemed to be travelling along next to it and I came to the conclusion that I like these kinds of shows because I feel trapped on this planet sometimes. That makes it seem like I am suicidal - it’s not that. These shows are about people trapped in smaller worlds than Planet Earth but the journey is the same. Why am I here? Who is calling the shots? What does it all mean?

Anyway, fantastic show, the season finale is one of the best I’ve seen in a long while.

I work with this guy that’s in his late 20s but everything about him screams 80-year-old man from a rural village. It got me thinking about reincarnation. Maybe in my last life, I was very deprived of food, so I am using this one to indulge in all the things I couldn’t have before. Honestly, the lad I work with seems like he grew up in a different era - the remnants of his past existence are still present, even if he can’t remember them.

Had a good day today - tennis and friend meet-up - all went ok. Busy week ahead.

 

[Cate]

Hello. Is there anybody in there?

F=FAIL. No idea, Em. Is it a movie reference?

Maybe in my last life, I was very deprived of food, so I am using this one to indulge in all the things I couldn’t have before.

I absolutely hate being hungry & have always said I must have been a starving Biafran in a past life.

Had a good day today - tennis and friend meet-up - all went ok. Busy week ahead.

That sounds good.
Don't stress the meaning of life & your part in it. Maybe there is no meaning & there is no pressure for you to be anything other than yourself. Enjoy life, Em. Do no harm.

 

[Emilyrose]

Hi Cate. It’s Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb. I was on the wine again. Sigh.

Today, I am most definitely not on the wine again and I am going to go for a long, soothing Epsom salt bath later. My parents are away so I have my home house to myself and I am living like a king. It’s amazing to have such a choice of food to munch on!

I like having days like this where I get to just breathe and think about my life. I’ve decided that it is time for me to be happy. This tortuous way of existing has to stop.

Regarding the cigarettes and alcohol, enough is enough. Both are now things of the past. It’s easy to say today when I’m exhausted and hungover, and I don’t feel like them anyway. But I really feel like I’m just over it.

As for the food, the way I will approach it is that every meal from now on will be one to heal or nourish me. I no longer have to fear food. It’s keeping me alive, after all. That’s not to say that every meal will be traditionally healthy but if I am having cake and coffee, I’m going to allow myself to actually enjoy it. This is obviously a long term project and again, it’s easier said than done, but I think if I can do this, I will be at my optimal weight in no time.

I also realised how lonely I am and I really need a lover. This is something I am going to start actively pursuing in the new year. I do think the coach finds me attractive so maybe I’ll even start that pursuit tomorrow. It’s tricky when you don’t know someone’s status. I don’t know why I’m thinking about him so much. He just really looked at me. Like he was studying me almost. I don’t know, it’s just a vibe. I’ve got it very wrong with vibes before though.

I actually had a man buy me a drink yesterday in the bar I was in with my friends. I used to smoke with him outside the office pre-Covid. He told me I was ‘as beautiful as ever’, which was a thrilling compliment, I have to say.

So as much as I am unhappy with my body, I definitely could find someone who would be very happy to be with me. I know that, and yet I just avoid it, because I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin. And I’m tired of feeling this way. So, changes are going to have to be made. Enough is enough.

 

[Cate]

I love this post, Em. I think you're ready for love.

 

[liza3]

Hi Emily,
I often take a look in at your diary but haven't commented, but I like what and how you write. Always an engaging read!

Regarding the cigarettes and alcohol, enough is enough. Both are now things of the past. It’s easy to say today when I’m exhausted and hungover, and I don’t feel like them anyway. But I really feel like I’m just over it.

Best of luck with quitting smoking--i struggled with that for years...and hate to say that it still sounds good to me sometimes even after about 16 years without a cigarette!

Also I really love the sound of your passion with tennis--I've found a similar love in running recently so can really relate to all that. I have no hand-eye coordination so could never play tennis but it sounds amazing and fun and like you must have a real talent for it.

These shows are about people trapped in smaller worlds than Planet Earth but the journey is the same. Why am I here? Who is calling the shots? What does it all mean?

Yes life and all of its interesting ponderings. It's really amazing stuff to consider....

 

[Emilyrose]

- Ha, that reminds me of that really cheesy Elton John song, Cate.
- Thanks so much for dropping by Liza. Glad you defeated the demon Smoke. I hope to join you in the land of healthy lungs very soon.

I had my lesson with Coach anyway. I’ve definitely gotten carried away. He was looking at me with a puzzled look on his face a few times during the lesson so I think I must have been acting really weird. Haha. At least I was able to hit the ball, which was my main concern. Anyway, that’s done and dusted now. I might be conflating my infatuation with tennis with an infatuation with him.

What was really funny was that I met some of the lads after the lesson and they were all making teasing noises about it - more that I was taking a ‘sneaky lesson’, as they called it, but it made me laugh.

I have a very busy few days ahead now with no tennis time unfortunately, but there will be plenty over the weekend. I haven’t slept great the last few nights so I will try to get an early night now and be as fresh as I can for the rest of the week.

I’ll leave you with Elton:

 

[Alexistrophic]

Always fun to catch up with your diary, Em! Here's hoping that love finds you soon. Can definitely relate to you being hot for your tennis instructor. It can be intoxicating to be around someone who's reeeally good at what they do. That is so sexy.

Hope you have a fantastic week ahead!

 

[liza3]

I had my lesson with Coach anyway. I’ve definitely gotten carried away. He was looking at me with a puzzled look on his face a few times during the lesson so I think I must have been acting really weird. Haha. At least I was able to hit the ball, which was my main concern. Anyway, that’s done and dusted now. I might be conflating my infatuation with tennis with an infatuation with him.

What was really funny was that I met some of the lads after the lesson and they were all making teasing noises about it - more that I was taking a ‘sneaky lesson’, as they called it, but it made me laugh.

That made me laugh--you with the coach...

It can be intoxicating to be around someone who's reeeally good at what they do.

Totally! I've fallen for a few guys in that same situation!